Confessing

TL;DR

21M from Karachi. I’ve faced years of severe physical and emotional abuse from my father, which forced me into a defensive habit of lying from a young age. This trauma and insecurity carried over into my relationships, ultimately causing me to lose the girl I loved more than anything. Now, dealing with a painful collarbone fracture from a recent accident, missing my university finals, a serious heart condition, and feeling like a constant disappointment, I am at my absolute breaking point and feel like giving up

Full Post

Hey everyone,

I’m a 21-year-old guy from Karachi, and I’m writing this because I’ve reached my absolute breaking point. I’m using voice-to-text because I just got into an accident and severely fractured/displaced my collarbone—it’s literally pressing into my muscles right now as I speak this. I just need to get this all out.

To understand why my life completely fell apart, you have to understand how I was raised. Since I was about 8 or 9 years old, my father has physically abused me. I’ve been dragged down stairs, locked out of the house at 3:00 AM, slapped, and beaten with pipes for the smallest things—like getting a bad grade on a tuition exam or not sleeping on time. I’ve spent countless hours crying in the bathroom, feeling like a completely worthless son. To survive and escape the brutal beatings, I started lying. It became a defense mechanism molded into me since I was 13. It’s not an easy habit to just switch off when it's how you survived your childhood.

Despite how he treated me, I started freelancing at 14 to contribute to the house. I went from making 5k a month to almost 300k a month now. But it’s never enough. Just today, he looked at me with pure disappointment because my paycheck is delayed and I haven't sent him the money yet. I’ve been a loner my whole life because of this pressure.

This deep-rooted trauma and insecurity completely ruined my love life. My first ex (from Turkey) played me, and my second ex (from Lahore) destroyed my self-esteem by posting photos of random Pinterest guys on her stories, claiming they were her boyfriend instead of the real me.

Then, I met the girl I fell completely in love with. She was the prettiest, most gorgeous girl in the world, with the sweetest voice and a mesmerizing personality. For a long time, she was my safe haven. I miss everything about her—how she’d text me "good morijng" the second she woke up, sleeping on call together, her rants, and her "dinosaur smile."

But my past caught up with me. Because of my deep insecurities and the defensive lying habits I developed under my dad, I wasn't a good boyfriend. I didn't give her enough time, and I even catfished her at one point because of the baggage from my previous ex. When she confronted me, I came clean. She forgave me, and we stayed in each other's lives for another 6 or 7 months, but we never officially got back into a relationship.

Recently, we stopped talking because I slipped up and lied again. I know people will bash me for it, and I am trying to change, but it’s hard to undo a lifetime of conditioning. Now, it cuts deep to see her posting on Instagram—especially on Close Friends—around the very guys I was always insecure about. She never posted my face, my hand, my voice, or my name in all the times we met, but now she’s posting content involving other guys. It hurts to feel like I was so easily erased.

I’m completely overwhelmed. Because of my accident, I can't attend uni or give my final exams. On top of that, I am a heart patient and I don't have the money to pay for my heart operation. I feel like a constant burden to my family, I'm heartbroken over the only girl I ever truly wanted to marry, and I am in excruciating physical and emotional pain.

I just wanted to share my story before I leave my phone and my life behind. Thank you to everyone who read this.