Dead bedroom in my mid 20s leaves me confused and insecure.

So, I (25F) and my boyfriend (25M) have a dead bedroom.

We've been together for 8 years, met in school. We're both each others first serious relationship, both without any previous intimate experiences.

We are in love and secure in our relationship - this isn't necessarily a "crisis" but something that requires communication and for some reason we can't really get there. Otherwise, I'd say that we have a healthy relationship and are aligned/able to talk about pretty much everything else.

Lack of sex is not a deal breaker for neither of us and usually doesn't cause any issues day to day, but just the fact that the topic became kind of a taboo is a problem for me and I believe for him as well.

In the beginning of our relationship we regularly shared intimate moments and both wanted more. Around 5 years ago we moved in together. I expected that we're gonna go "all the way" soon but in reality the frequency kept dropping and the topic became more and more difficult.

For the past three years we've been intimate maybe around five times or so.

We've actually never had penetrative sex, the furthest it ever went was oral.

We hug and kiss (but not make out unless I initiate), there is casual and romantic physical contact between us, but it never goes further.

Sometimes I find myself frustrated but the only actually hurtful thing about this situation is the fact that he never wants to talk about it. He's never the one to start this conversation, it's always on me and before we can get anywhere I'm met with "it's complicated" or "I can't talk about this right now".

I don't want to pressure him but it's been literal years and I can see that it's causing us both pain. But I don't know how to help anymore.

Sometimes we like to communicate in writing and used this method to overcome some misunderstandings and difficult conversations in the past. I suggested that if he can't talk about this, maybe it would be easier to write down, on his own time.

It took him weeks or maybe months to write something, and when he shared it with me I responded mostly by asking more questions, trying to elaborate and understand. He promised to respond, but that was two years ago.

What I understand about his experience:

He feels uncomfortable with how intense arousal can be, he doesn't want to feel like he's loosing control of himself.

He might feel guilty that he can't last long, and it also just ruins his own experience.

I think there are feelings as strong as disgust and repulsion when he's reflecting on this topic in general.

I asked if he might be asexual, he admitted that he wondered about it but doesn't think so.

He masturbates every other day and it's kind of a "chore" rather than something nice and pleasurable. I asked and he confirmed that he watches porn to get off. I believe that he doesn't watch anything extreme, and I know that he doesn't watch a lot, it probably comes down to no longer than 15 minutes each time.

I proposed that maybe quitting watching porn would make room for some kind of progress. I imagine that if he struggles with how visceral and "ugly" arousal feels to him, then maybe porn, even in small quantities, might subconsciously contribute to the dehumanising narrative in his head.

He said he would think about it, and when i brought it up again after some time he said he hasn't tried to quit it yet and the conversation was cut short.

This aspect of the issue is a bit painful for me even if I'm sure that porn specifically isn't the whole reason behind the problem. I think that quitting could be the most obvious first step to try to work this out, especially when a conversation can't really happen yet.

I know that he wants for me to feel secure, satisfied and loved. He says that he's still attracted to me and I believe him (if anything were to happen, he's very responsive and technically it wouldn't be hard to get him in the mood, he just doesn't want that), even though it's extremely hard to not get insecure in this situation. It feels like he's very purposeful in not initiating and avoiding anything that could lead to intimacy.

I don't know if resolving these issues would equal end of the DB but I know that the current situation is unhealthy and needs improvement. I'd like to know how to talk to him, or rather, get him to talk to me. Patience is not doing anything anymore - obviously I'm gonna stay patient, but without some kind of intervention, we'll never talk this out.

Additional context:

We live together, each with their own room, always sleep together in the same bed. We're pretty lonely, we don't have friends and both come from difficult family situations. We both work from home, so we're quite aware of each others routines.

In the last few months we both separately picked up sports and new hobbies, we eat okay, and I'd say we're good at balancing giving each other space and spending time together in engaging ways.

We both struggle with depression, neither is medicated or planning to be in the near future.

We don't want children. There's no infidelity on either side.

I genuinely don't know how to approach this topic with him anymore. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long post and any mistakes, English is not my first language.