I Think I'm In Too Deep... Maybe It's All My Faults, Creeping Up Behind... I Wish I Didn't Waste Your Time...

Good Morning Darlin',

I'm less relieved than expected that I am so happy that you didn't go through with it... Third time at that... Some kind of... Charm... I feel manipulative... Like my emotions are tainting your decision making process... You're waiting for this man, the one who may never be ready for a real relationship ever again...

I'm avoidant due to all the harm that relationships have divested upon my idyllic narratives... The silly delusions I predicate my emotions upon with my imaginary, yet lovely, surroundings... When I'm "in love" with "my one and only... It seems like nothing can go wrong, as I close my eyes through the quickly approaching, madly drifting corner... It seems that there's an awful lot of those... "One and only women" I mean...

There really is only one you though... and I torture you for your undying loyalty to me... Your love for me is like a battle scar... One that you're so proud of the pain you've endured to earn such a privilege... It makes me feel sick... I feel like I'm abusing you... I don't want to be the monster you cry about at 2:00 am...

I don't want to be a false sense of security either... Some faux hubby to break promises, and make you feel terrible for loving me... Just know that of all the things I'm being, I'm certainly not an actor... That phony bologna mask can fuck right off... I never want to put that shit back on again... You've really helped me to see who I can really be...

I strive to be the man that you see me as... because I do feel like I'm that man... I just anticipate the spin out with great anxiety, all white knuckles, and gnashing teeth... It's the mother fucking spiral of doom that never ends... All just constant loops of me hurting you on playback... and you not being able to take any action that might hurt me back... It feels... Coercive? Manipulative? Controlling?

These are things I cannot abide my dear... I can't square this shit in my head... I refuse to be an abusive partner... Especially willingly so... You deserve to have the same freedoms that I do dear... This is America after all... gross... I hate feeling the hypocrisy of my jealous, bitter nonsense ramblings as I prattle on... Passive aggressively insulting him like a petulant child... I'm no better than my abuser... Patterns slowly become more visible...

The truth is... I'm actually more upset that you didn't go through with it... I need to be okay with this behavior, if I'm going to continue dating in the same capacity as I have been want to do... I was pretty upset, I wrote it out to purge the beast, and then I was doing okay... Until I got hit with the text that you didn't go through with it...

I was so torn between the relief of my jealous mind giving way as an ungrateful winner... and my sadness that you still can't go through with it... You're in love with me, and truthfully... That scares me a little... It's okay, and I do love you too... and honestly dear... That scares me even more...

Take Care of Yourself... Please?

-Daddy D.