Trigger warning / body count realization: I literally just broke down crying while doing my makeup for a Bumble date

So context: I’m currently on vacation, just enjoying my last remaining weeks before my final year of senior high school starts. Free time, independent vibes, you get the drill. I matched with this really cute guy 🏹 on Bumble a few days ago, and we’ve been flirting back and forth. Standard procedure. The plan was to meet up tonight for drinks and, let's be real, probably hook up after.

I was literally in front of the mirror doing my eyeliner and blasting music when it suddenly hit me out of nowhere. I started counting.

If I went through with tonight, he was going to be my 24th body count.

I don't know why that specific number broke me, but my hands just started shaking. I looked at myself in the mirror with half-done makeup and I just burst into tears. Like, full-on sobbing, ruining my foundation, hyperventilating type of crying. It just hit me so hard. I realized how much validation I’ve been seeking from random guys, and how I've just been using hookup culture to numb myself or feel something. I'm not even out of high school yet and my list is already this long. No judgment to anyone else, but for me personally, the sudden realization made me feel so empty inside.

I couldn't even breathe properly, let alone go out and pretend to be this hot, confident, casual girl.

So yeah, I panicked. I messaged the guy and lied, told him something urgent came up with my family but offered to reschedule just to be polite and buy myself time. I didn't push through with the meetup tonight. Right now, I'm just sitting on my bed with a wiped face, still trying to process everything.

Am I overreacting? Has anyone else had this sudden moment of clarity where you just get completely disgusted or overwhelmed by your own lifestyle? I feel so lost right now.