Realized I was about to hit body count #24 while doing my makeup… broke down and canceled.

Using a throwaway account.

I’m currently on vacation right now, just waiting for my last year in senior high school to start. Since medyo matagal pa naman ang pasukan and honestly sobrang nabuburyong ako sa bahay, I’ve been swiping on Bumble to pass the time. Standard routine. Match with a cute guy, landi nang konti, then set up a meetup.

I was supposed to meet this new guy tonight. Standard hotel/condo date vibes.

Gurl, literal na nagp-prepare na ako. Naka-outfit na ako, perfumed up, and I was doing my eyeliner nang biglang pumasok sa utak ko yung body counts ko. I don't know why, pero bigla ko nalang binilang sa utak ko kung pang-ilan na siya kung matutuloy kami.

When the number 24 hit me, parang gumuho yung mundo ko bigla.

I just stared at myself sa salamin and literally broke out crying. Todo iyak talaga, yung humahagulgol na nasira na yung make-up ko. Hindi ko alam pero doon lang nag-sync in sa akin lahat. I’m literally still in senior high school. I haven’t even stepped into college yet, tapos ganito na?

Don't get me wrong, I’m not judging anyone who has a high body count. Physical needs are physical needs. Pero safe to say, doon sa realization moment na yun, na-realize ko na ginagawa ko lang pala siyang coping mechanism for something deeper. physical intimacy lang pala yung hinahabol ko kasi feeling ko doon lang ako may worth, or maybe factor din yung boredom ngayong summer vacation. It just felt so empty bigla. Parang napaka-cheap ng tingin ko sa sarili ko na ready na naman ako ibigay yung katawan ko sa lalaking halos hindi ko pa naman kilala talaga, just for temporary validation.

I ended up canceling the meetup. Nagsinungaling nalang ako na biglang sumakit yung tyan ko and asked him if we could reschedule next week instead. Sobrang gulo pa ng utak ko ngayon. I’m still staring at my ruined makeup habang tinitype ko to.

I don't even know if itutuloy ko pa yung reschedule next week. Normal pa ba to para sa incoming grade 12 student? Did I lose my self respect somewhere along the way o sadyang nao-overwhelm lang ako ngayon?