My 30th bday is next week and barely anyone can show up. This is immensely triggering and im trying not to crash out 🥲

I am very understanding to a fault, I think. It’s really hard for me to ask people to show up for me due to rejection sensitivity, and the last couple years I’ve been doing pretty well at asking people to show up for me. But lately I’ve been getting cancelled out for things outside of me and it’s hard not to feel upset about it and idk what to do.

I have been so excited to turn 30 this year. I’ve celebrated another milestone this year after spending so much time preparing for it — my “house” (apartment) warming. I spent so much money on food preparation, I decorated, I bought extra furniture (that I already needed dw) and I had 3 cancellations that same timeframe… I was devastated and I cried my eyes out. My partner thankfully showed up, admittedly she was having her own MH episode and that’s why she cancelled, it still hurt. I’m still working on repair with said partner for a number of other things, thankfully she will be there for my bday this year but the inner child in me is so hurt by people not showing up, even though my therapist said for ex during the housewarming “don’t focus on who can’t show up, focus on who did, they were meant to be there!” Which i realize wasn’t helpful for me alone, because it just resulted in me pushing my feelings down for feeling upset that 2 people cancelled on me (thankfully one friend did apologize and offer to show up for me for my bday and the like— I appreciate when ppl offer to repair the hurt.) but the other friend completely ghosted me after I thanked them for honoring their needs, but wanted to admit im hurt that they have cancelled on me for 3 events in the last year. When im deeply hurt my brain thinks, “well if they cared I wouldn’t have to chase after them ..” I spent years chasing after people and just being “understanding” cuz all of my friends got adhd. (I’m Audhd.) it’s not an excuse but I don’t want to make anyone feel bad, so I just smile and nod most times.. im learning not to.

Anyway— my birthday. It’s next week, Wednesday, and most of my friends can’t go for different reasons. I understand it’s a weekday, but I was planning a get together Sunday too.
One of my best friends moved out of the area and can’t afford to, but offered to see me another time. Love her. Ironically this year only me and our mutual friend showed up for their bday this year.. they were understandably sad abt it but grateful. My partner severely broke my trust (she took accountability and apologized, we both have complex trauma so im working to forgive her.) but we are working on repair, I’d like to still see her but feeling a lot of things too. This is where the feelings feel like they are about to erupt. My other best friend has been putting a lot on their plate too, and has been for a while— they couldn’t come to my bday last year because they had something else going on, now this year they have smth else going on so I’ll probably only see them for a few hours. I feel discouraged to even plan anything because what’s the point if they are going to just leave in a couple hours anyway.

It tells my brain, “this thing is more important to you, despite the fact this only happens once a year/once in a “blue moon”. I know that’s my inner child being hurt, because my dad would never show up for me unless I begged. So that wound I realize is hurt here. I just want my friends to show up for me. My friend circle has shrunken since I’ve stopped masking and it makes me feel weird. I feel like I have friends who genuinely want to spend time with me, but are too far away or genuinely too busy, and other “friends” who don’t put in much, if any effort. It’s just me.
I want to be celebrated .. I always wished for a bday like the ones I see people have — celebrated by a bunch of people who love them. I used to, I think.. nowadays it feels like my circle has grown so small and there’s the grief of, I regret cutting ppl off, but I also acknowledge I needed to. As I enter this new decade, I feel afraid and I don’t want to. One of my biggest fears is being alone, my last bday I was alone. I know I won’t be, but still. It just sucks that I went just a couple years ago having 8 ppl at my parties for now, maybe 2. I know it’s not my “fault” but it still hurts.