I can’t let go of the man that cheated on me and left me for his ex.

I know it’s pathetic and I hate that I’m being so weak. This is my story

I was with my ex for nearly 2 years. He’d been single for 3 years when I met him and honestly he fell for me straight away. Now I know he was love bombing me but at the time i just thought id found someone who genuinely valued and loved me. He planned surprise trips, spoke with me every day, told me I was his favourite part of the week, he’d never been so happy. After 4/5 months he said he knew I was the woman he’d marry and he’d found the love of his life.

I was a bit more guarded, I would be the one to say we need to spend time apart and would tell him to tone it down sometimes. I’d only ever experienced abusive relationships, had always been cheated on and treated really badly. So it took me time to really let my walls down. He found it hard to understand and would get upset, telling me he loved me more than I loved him or he was terrified he’d lose me one day. I always reassured him that I wasn’t going anywhere and I loved him.

After about a year we moved in together and before we did, I expressed my concerns that for the last few months he’d pretty much stopped putting in any effort in our relationship. We’d only been on 2 dates in 5 months, but he was going out and doing things with his friends all the time. When we saw each other, I’d cook dinner and we’d watch tv and I was worried it would only get worse after moving in.

He promised that wouldn’t happen and he’d make more of an effort. But of course that’s exactly what happened and he said the line “why do I need to do things with you, I see you everyday” which is exactly what I told him he’d say when we had this discussion before moving in.

I started to feel like i was just his flat mate who cooked, sorted out the bills etc while he just went to golf, to watch football etc. I kept telling him if we don’t make an effort to do things with each other and keep the spark alive, our relationship won’t last. But he just took it as me not wanting him to have a life. I started to feel smaller and smaller in the relationship and felt like I was trying so hard and getting nothing back. He wasn’t affectionate anymore, he made no effort and honestly made me feel like I was just being tolerated and I was a nuisance.

Then in January he told me I basically wasn’t attractive to him anymore. He told me he loved me but felt no desire for me. I was crushed. For months I’d been trying to be the best girlfriend i possibly could and now I had to worry about not being attractive on top of trying to single handedly keep the relationship afloat. I felt like I was ugly and disgusting to him. It destroyed my confidence. I said we should breakup and he said he didn’t want to, he loved me and wanted to get the spark back. I agreed to try and stayed.

Then 6 weeks later he broke up with me in the most cruel way possible. He told me he didn’t want to kiss me, hug me, touch me or sleep with me and he wanted a relationship where he had those feelings. I couldn’t believe it and was heartbroken.

We continued living together but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me hurt. So I picked myself up, went to the gym, saw my friends, stayed away with family sometimes. I still loved him and wished the old version of him would come back. The one that thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world and his everything.

After a few weeks, we spent some time together and ended up sleeping together. I was shocked because he basically made me feel like I was repulsive before and then he was initiating it. It was really passionate, more than it was when we were together and I thought maybe his feelings are coming back after some time and independence.

A few days later I found something that turned my whole world upside down. There was a birthday card for his ex girlfriend from 5 years ago and it had a picture of the two of them on the front and inside was this long declaration of his love. The words were exactly the same as he put in my valentines card the year before, he’s just changed valentine to birthday. There were expensive perfumes and sentimental gifts.

It all made sense now. The reason he was treating me poorly and felt a lack of desire, was because he had been cheating with her. He was getting more and more wrapped up in her and was giving her all the things I’d been practically begging him for.

I confronted him and her (she knew were together and followed me on ig watching our relationship) they both lied and said it started after the breakup but it was clear it had been going on for months.
He cried and told me he loved me and was confused. I was so devastated and in shock I clad panic attacks, I couldn’t get off the floor, I cried all day and couldn’t eat. I’d been so strong through all of it but this was too much. The betray cut right through me. He stayed and tried to comfort me and kept telling me he was sorry and he loved me. He went to stay at his parents to give me some space and while he was gone I packed all his things and told him to get them and go.

That was about 6 weeks ago and the first few weeks were hell. I saw on social media he took her to his family’s wedding and I was originally invited to it. My name was on the invitation. I was left in the home we shared with all the bills and the heartbreak while they got away with no consequences and were all loved up together. I was broken.

He kept contacting me, at first about practical things like his half of the bills for his last month, items he thought he’d left behind. I replied only with what was necessary and nothing more for about a month. Then I found out the landlord is selling my home and I don’t have anywhere else to go and can’t afford any apartments in the areas. It was just another knock when I was already at the end of my rope.

Then I started to crack. He kept sending me messages with nostalgic things or private jokes between us or memories and I started to give into it. Once I did, that was it he didn’t leave me alone. And after a few days he came over to pick up the last of his things and he grabbed me and kissed me. My body wouldn’t listen to my head and I gave into him. He still made me weak after everything he’d done. We slept together.

He kept messaging me and sometimes it would be all day and night, then he turned up one day with dinner and stupidly I let him in and we slept together again. That was about 4 days ago and I can’t get him out of my head.

I’d been doing so well maintaining no contact but he got to me when I was vulnerable and I found it too hard to put the lid back on it. I’m so ashamed of myself and think my weakness is disgraceful. I wish I was stronger. Since he came over a few days ago I haven’t contacted him and I will try my best not to. I know I should just block him but I can’t bring myself to do it which is pathetic.

She will most likely find out he’s already cheated on her with me at some point because I confided in my friend who told me her cousin is the girls best friend. And to be honest part of me thinks good. She knowingly cheated with him and deserves to feel some of the hurt and humiliation she participated in putting me through. And he deserves to be exposed for what he is.

The whole things is such a mess and I’m constantly beating myself up.