VENT/My mom basically conversion therapied me and now has made being the "super ally supportive trans mom" her entire identity. it makes me want to die

she stole everything from me, my childhood and now my womanhood. i have told her so many times what she did, that i dont love her and hate her, its nonconsensual. i feel so disgusting around her.

She was religious when i was too young to know i was being emotionally and religiously abused and purposely conversioned me to like girls and be terrified of hell for my natural attraction

as a kid/teenager

• i told her i want to marry a man and she basically laughed and made it a nonoption and denies it happened
• i asked her to shave my legs and hated my body hair
• she knew that when i hit puberty i had been experimenting with another boy in my neighborhood and at the same time was "agreeing with me" that she thought homosexuality was gross and the bible does say its an abomination and they go to hell but you "shouldnt judge"
• my parents caught me with a homemade dildo in highschool
• my dad literally told me he always knew and yet he just let her fuck my head
• i even said i didnt like women and she still just had to pressure me to like women
• i would get extremely upset theyd tell me i liked girls i didnt like and they would make me feel force to feel attracted
• i wore higheels with my aunt
• i wanted my moms feminine women's sunglasses
• my aunt said she always knew i was lgbt
• i made signs to my sister of maybe me being gay or femme or trans and she would make me feel gross and shamed for it
• my dad knew and still made gay jokes making me feel i wouldnt be accepted
• they even didnt want me being trans
• i was raped because of her narcissistic religious parenting making me not able to understand red flags
• they ruined my life for being trans

they all knew and let my mom torture me with images of hell, always knew i was lgbt. she takes no accountability yet knows what she did. i hate living with them and ptsd and i dont even feel like the girl i am anymore cause shes laughing in my face like she stole my heart and is waving it in front of me and laughing. its like if fucking handmaids tale lady became the symbol of the handmaids. i hate my existence