Insecure

I am '27M' & '25F' . Ek saal pehle mujhe laga tha ki mujhe meri future wife mil gayi hai.

Main usse sirf pasand nahi karta tha,main uske saath poori zindagi imagine karta tha.Har call,har message,har choti baat mere liye special thi.Par jitna zyada attached hota gaya,utna hi zyada darne laga ki kahin woh mujhe chhod na de.

Meri insecurities aur trust issues dheere dheere relationship se bade ho gaye.Maine doubts kiye,sawal kiye,proof maange aur har baar reassurance maangi.Jitna woh explain karti,utna mera dimaag naye scenarios bana leta.

Phir ek din woh chali gayi.

Uske baad maine apni life nahi jee,maine uski yaadon ko jeeya.Ek saal tak uski profile check ki,old chats yaad ki,uski voice yaad ki aur har din apne aap ko yeh convince karta raha ki shayad ek din woh wapas aayegi.

Par woh din kabhi nahi aaya.

Phir ek din maine khud contact kiya.

Mujhe laga tha main closure dhoondh raha hu.

Sach me main reaction dhoondh raha tha.

Usne mujhe ignore nahi kiya,usne mujhe reality dikha di.

Aur reality yeh thi ki woh aage badh chuki thi jabki main abhi bhi wahi khada tha.

Dard itna tha ki maine woh sab bol diya jo mujhe kabhi nahi bolna chahiye tha.Maine usse hurt kiya,sirf isliye kyunki main khud hurt tha.

Usne ek line boli jo mere dimaag me aaj bhi ghoomti hai:

"All this shows more about you than about me.Just leave me alone."

Us waqt gussa aaya.

Baad me samajh aaya.

Woh line uske baare me nahi,mere baare me thi.

Maine realize kiya ki main usse nahi,balki us future ko pakad ke baitha tha jo maine uske saath imagine kiya tha.

Us raat maine usse block kar diya.

Na revenge ke liye.

Na ego ke liye.

Na is umeed me ki woh mujhe miss karegi.

Bas isliye kyunki mujhe finally samajh aa gaya tha ki har baar us tak pahunchne ki koshish me main khud ko hi tod raha tha.

Aaj bhi uski yaad aati hai.

Aaj bhi kabhi kabhi uski voice yaad aati hai.

Aaj bhi sochta hu ki agar kuch cheezein alag hoti to shayad kahani alag hoti.

Par ab ek aur cheez samajh aayi hai...

Healing ka matlab kisi ko bhoolna nahi hota.

Healing ka matlab hota hai us insaan ke bina bhi apni zindagi jeena seekhna.

Aur shayad pehli baar,ek saal baad,main wahi seekh raha hu.