I feel my type is if a 9 and 4 had a child

I goon everyday and then I numb myself and then my emotions overwhelm me a lot. Then I wonder if I am a ghost and everybody has forgotten about me. I fear being left behind. On the surface I do look like a 9, Im lazy, don't talk a lot, just slip by everyone's attention. I first thought that but then I realised I have heavy trauma of losing loved ones making me unable to connect to people normally, fearing commitment and always indulging to relieve stress. But the fact is I hate positive delusion, whatever emotions I have I intensify it be it hope or pain but most of the time I keep my mind distracted with fictional worlds. Keeping me distracted from my mind is also necessary for me as much as ignoring reality. Numbing is only a escape mechanism I developed not my personality but still I think I'm a mix of these types possible a tritype with heavy influence.