Just a vent of My feelings and Hidden Pain. It's gonna be a LONG ramble so scroll away if it isn't for you. (Excuse my language...)

I definitely built my X fyp brick by brick. Just filled with everything I wished I had but will never have them. I sure love torturing myself. Thought I'd come back better than the last time? Nah, it never gets better. I sure blame myself for it though. Who else is stopping me from achieving my happiness except myself. Then it's gonna be the voices saying "then do something about it." "Blaming yourself won't change anything." Blah blah. Easier said than done. Sure writing them down holds the weight over here than in me sometimes. But it's still in me. It's just split. Shared. And how I imagine what I would feel if I shared with someone who would listen and understand. I'm sure there are a lot of them in this world. Just hidden and scared as I am. If there was a way to find them, I would. But I'm not looking for one who's shy but the complete opposite of me to break my comfort zone out, to be free again. To be with someone I'll never feel I'm judged with because we are doing things together. ...what does friends feel like? I don't know anymore. I'm trying to keep connection with someone but I end up ruining it by distance all the time. I'm never socially active because I'm afraid they don't feel the same as me. They don't want that connection with me. And I don't even know what a connection feels like or is anymore. The fuck am I doing. Does anyone else see? Do they care? Maybe they do but just doesn't see it. Cox I don't show it. So it all goes back to me again. I could tell her (bff). Or her (sis). But what would that help. They can't give me a hug. They can't console me. I don't feel...well, not for her (bff) but for her (sis), I dont feel a connection. Not really. It's mix of hate and okay because she is living the life I wanted. She'll never know that though. She's never tried to go past my walls. Just waits. Or ignores. Or converse only when I'm okay again so she doesn't have to walk around in eggshells. Nothing and no one in this house has felt comfort. No privacy. No understanding. If hell was invisible with walls and broken glass, this would be it. Just a broken family with an oblivious father and his children straying away from the path he wanted without ever trying to figure out why and blaming us instead without ever listening to his own words that break me. I keep trying to do little things that bring me out. Little reposts. Replies. Comments. Posts on LM. Wanting to try and dream again. ...but it never lasts long. The reality crushes back in. And the loneliness devours me. And then...nothing mattered anymore. Nothing... And the cycle repeats. Hope. A little joy in something. Work on something. Goes back down a rabbit hole. Down. Down. Down... And stays there until something brings some back up again. I don't want to do this anymore. Can you stop making me do this over and over. Let me just give up. Let me stop caring to people who never see my efforts and care. Let me leave... I dont want a future. I don't want a life. Everything is meaningless. I keep drowning in my thoughts every night. I know I'll suck at my exams because I didn't do enough. I'll suck at my internship because I wasn't good enough. Sure, it hasn't happened but fucking look at me. You think that's not gonna happen. While I'm still laying here on my bed, I should cook but am I going to? I should eat and work on my assignments but am I going to? How long am I going to be so fucking pathetic. I just pity myself. Complain about myself and don't do shit to deal with it. So fucking annoying so fucking annoying. I come here to rant, to let it out. But I only end up seeing the ridiculous side of myself. Maybe other's would see a broken soul. But that's it. They won't care. I dont even know if it's just broken or just a pathetic person who's whining about what they can't have because of who they are and how they look. Yes, my number one enemy that I'd hate before my life and others around me is myself. I'm sure that is very damn clear. I'll never find myself looking at another way. There is no other way. Just look at this. Look at me. Look at everything I've said here. ... ...is it so wrong to wanting someone to pull me out? Is it so wrong to rely on someone? Is that really so much to ask? Does everything have to be done myself? I can't even bring myself to care to float even. I let myself drown on purpose. Just to make me suffer. Because I don't deserve anything else. I only complain...just to hit myself with the fact that it'll never be mine. It's not about not being positive or hopefully. That's the fucking reality. And I hate people who say otherwise. They don't know my life. They don't know how I look. They don't know what I suffer from. They don't know what I've been through and act like they care. Act like they understand. But is it so hard to find someone, even a stranger who doesn't know anything about me, to listen to a stranger yap intently and trying to understand? ...yes, I know that's what a fucking therapist is for. Do I look like I have the money for that? Sure, others found therapy in their connections, in goofy videos they find online, in idols, in a passion, in a hobby. ...I have all of it but yet i feel nothing for it. Nothing. I wonder if they used to feel something. I know they did. I know I watched so many animes and kept going. So many kdramas. So many manhwas. So many games... And they all slowed down to something I watch or do to distract myself. Something to pass time. Something to think about other than drowning in my thoughts. The love for them...is still flickering somewhere in me. I don't know what love feels like so I'll never know if they are gone or not. Just that...everything feels like something I find only to not think about anything for a while. That's...their only purpose. Nothing more. And I used to be so into them. The grief of that version of mine sits so heavy in my chest that I try so hard to find her again. But...I never did. She was gone. Or locked in a place I don't have the key for. Do you think someone has the key or I do? The answer is probably obvious... But I just...can't find it. Or I won't? Just to suffer? And the cycle goes on. ...okay, I reached the point that I don't know what I'm gonna be rambling about anymore so... I'll just go eat. Sorry for this, whoever that may read this. Or not.