conflicted about this friendship

i have a friend and we both are kinda trauma bonded, although it was more weighted on my side as i never opened up or burdened her with my problems. i was a therapist friend all my life so it just came natural for me to push aside my feelings.

it’s a really long story so i’ll just simmer it down, basically there’s a few times where this friendship has made me raise an eyebrow. i’ve been there for her through everything, her parents constantly tell her to be grateful for me, she tells me i go above and beyond for her but when i finally showed signs of weakness and vulnerability, she pulls away. and not just in a subtle way, but in a way where i question if we’re even friends.

we were in very close contact for year. she was very attached to me. she pulled away the minute i mentioned i wasn’t doing okay. like all the times she said “please don’t go” etc meant nothing. she told me constantly “i just need to set you free” which to me seemed like her just saying that was a way of her not having to deal with me and not feel guilty about it if that makes sense. she also is constantly ghosting me while being able to keep up appearances with online friends/social media etc. every time (which is not often) i open up to her, she either ghosts it for weeks, leaves it on open or replies with very surface level stuff by spamming “i love you”. etc.

i can push past all that, but i can’t this. i opened up to her very deeply the last day and she left it on read for nearly a week. i just thought oh, she’s busy maybe. but she’s not. she stays at her house all the time. she’s active online etc. but it was her birthday so even though i felt pathetic already having been left open like that, i said happy birthday. she then replied a day later saying “i know i ghost you all the time, i don’t know why i do that. i love you.”

at this point, im just overly pissed off. i’ve put up with these patterns for 2 year now, i feel like an idiot whose just being used. her energy comes out of nowhere, all of a sudden being very communicative and interested in the friendship, the next she ghosts me. i keep convincing myself im doing too much but i can no longer neglect how i feel.

although sometimes it seems like she’s “pulling away” for my benefit, i have a big gut feeling it isn’t.

every time she does some bullshit like this, she just spams i love you. she’s not a malicious person, but it just all feels very manipulative. like she knows what she does hurts me, but uses the “i love you” card to show just enough affection to give me relief. eventually the resentment builds back up though.