My heart is breaking again

In about two weeks, it’ll be 3 months since my 4 and a half year long relationship came to an abrupt, confusing, spinning, crashing, burning, violent end.

It was a long distance relationship. We were separated by the Pacific Ocean. We would visit one another at least once a year for a month (maybe shorter or longer sometimes.) They were even talking about how they were gonna buy their tickets for their next trip to see me.

Out of nowhere though, they said they couldn’t do it anymore and that the distance was too much. There’s a lot of other stuff I won’t get into, but basically there’s a lot of external stress in their life at the current moment. Coupled with both of us dealing with our own mental health struggles, i suppose I was being ignorant in thinking that we’d last.

But, if you felt what I felt, and what I thought they felt, when we were together: it seemed as though anything was possible. They were the first person in my life that felt like home to me. They didn’t make me feel weird about how I am. My tendencies weren’t something I had to hide. And now they’re gone. And now they probably hate my guts.

We haven’t talked in just about 60 days now, but since the last time I heard their voice? March 13th. I’m breaking down. I thought I was doing better. They said our last visit was the highlight of their year.

We didn’t even get to say a proper goodbye. If I knew it would’ve been the last time we ever would see each other. I would’ve held on for longer. I don’t know if I’d let go. I’d tell them how special they are and how much I want to give them the world.

I miss you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for being such a burden.