It's about time we get real about Limerence

(May this post be a reminder, both to you and to me. Warning that this is a bit of a crashout on my part, but no real harm intended)

You know what I've started to find painfully aggravating about this community? The way people claim to suffer so much and say they want to get out of it, but end up taking it lightly as hell.

"Oh, just go No Contact/Low Contact! Things will work out eventually! You just have to be patient!"

I'm not here to say this is incorrect advice; you should definitely pull away from LO as much as you possibly, but I will tell that it's incomplete. People do this and still remain limerent for several, several months or even many years.

And this is wrong. All of this is wrong. This advice doesn't touch or address a lot of things.

Admit this to yourself: deep down, you like this, right?

You keep claiming you're suffering, you keep saying you want to leave this mental space and see the light, but, let's be honest here, all of us... We kinda like this, right? In a twisted way, Limerence offers a service to us.

It gives us this hope. It feeds us with something to look forward to. Admit to yourself: you did it all, went No Contact... but deep down? You still wait. You still dream of the day LO will hit your DMs in their own accord and say "Hey, can we reconnect?"

You claim to be bettering yourself, conserving yourself or doing whatever self-development type of stuff you think you need, and yet, you're not doing it for you, not completely; you're doing it for them.

You begin dating new people, posting pictures, showing up as a "better person", but not because you're actually changed to the bone; you just want to elicit a reaction on LO.

Limerence adds movement of a potent quality to your life. Sometimes you overexert yourself in hopes of being seen by LO; some other times, you just quietly dream of that one DM, despite having claimed No Contact.

If you were really okay with it all, you would be able to walk out. You would be able to say "unfortunately, this person isn't someone I can dedicate my best feelings to" and be okay with it. You'd move on.

But you can't. You can't leave, 'cause what's your life without the constant hoping that, when the timing is right and the correct changes align, they will see you?

So, you hold on. You're still limiting your own life. You are not being present to that new partner, not surrendering to your own life. You're still waiting for that approval, so you can fully enjoy this. You're still surrendering control.

If real love went past you right now, you either wouldn't see it or wouldn't be able to fully value it. You'd pick Limerence every single time.

And that's okay, because...

You're mentally screwed, and while it's not your fault, it's your responsibility now.

You see people every day, don't you? Some ugly, some attractive... Some tall, some short... Men, women, elderly, children...

Then why the hell is that ONE COMPLETELY ORDINARY HUMAN so different from all the 9 billion other humans?!

That's because you were screwed up, way before all of this could take place. Someone did it, maybe more than one person, in the course of your story.

Maybe it was that mother, that only seemed to appreciate you when you "did right", by her standards; maybe it was that father, who fluctuated between being strict and loving; maybe it was that mentor, that told you "you are worth your results".

See?! They messed you up to the point you believe this normal person is somehow a deity...! Look at what they did to you! Aren't you angry?

They deprived that child from unconditional love, shamed that teenager for trying to be themselves and didn't give any Secure base to who would be that future adult! And until you can't truly rage and grief, these parts of you will still drag you down, always.

You'll seek that validation on anyone even remotely similar to what you needed back then. You'll go limerent again and again! Notice your patterns! You have a specific type of LO, and they touch that need, somehow!

But this is adulthood we're talking about. Mama and Papa are in the past. That mentor is the past. And as long as you don't see this, you'll continue trying to force people into these roles, not meant for them.

Adult relationships have no place for things like that. You can't be abandoned anymore, as you're all grown-up; you won't someone clapping at everything you do and sing a happy song, because you did something simple. That has no place here.

So, you rage and you grieve. Cry, punch a wall, scream as loud as you can, monologue to yourself out loud, blame them. It's your right and they did you wrong.

But, let go. You're not gonna have any compensation. It's too late. That unloved child won't be loved. That rejected teen won't be validated. But, still, you need to let them go. You, the adult, need to take charge from now on.

Be who you are meant to be!

And adulting means not going back.

You give up. You give up it all. You do it, time and time again. You give it up, give it up and give it up some more.

"Maybe LO and I can reconnect one day, from a better place?" Give it up.

"... What if they DM me someday?" Give it up.

"I won't block them. Maybe they'll have something to say one day. It might be important!" Give it up.

Just give it up.

Every "maybe", every potential. Give it up. Give up this silly dream. Give up this wonderful fantasy. Give up giving up on your own life for this, and live with it.

Take a choice and mean it. Live by your choices. Don't walk back. Don't think back for longer than the time you would take to shut it down. Don't entertain their fantasy smile or the loving words you always wanted to hear from them.

Let yourself be affected by pain! If you mess up, own it! Don't keep sending friend requests to them, once you already went NC! No matter how much time has gone!

Be an adult! Grow! And growing means dealing with the stuff the world throws at you! Take the daily choice to stand by what you're choosing!

And please, develop as a person for real now**. You won't appreciate real love by remaining this selfish.**

A thing I've thought about recently is how Limerence is ultimate selfishness, disguised as romantic intention.

Your LO is never who they truly are. They are whatever you think you need, whatever fits, whoever has whatever the right words are to brighten you up on a rainy day... That's why they're perfect. It's because they stem from you!

And you know who sees people like that? Babies, and little children. Up until roughly ages 6 or 7 (no meme intended), children see others as extensions of themselves.

The Other isn't Another; The Other is an extension of the Self, and Limerence is no different.

You can admit this to me: In the most ideal world of your imaginations, LO would just cease to exist the moment it's no longer about you, right? Like, they would sit on a chair and stay there the whole day, completely motionless and still, until you get home from work and they greet you with that amazing mood you were just needing right now!

See? Without you, they're nobody.

If they talk to someone else in your fantasy, it's to make you jealous.

If they cook something, it's your favorite, most delicious food.

If they say anything at all, it's exacly what you want to hear.

It's all about you. You. You. You.

And this just isn't love. And you can't appreciate the real love you are surrounded by, because it doesn't tend to your painfully self-centered brain.

You refuse to let them be them, because you know they wouldn't validate whatever it is that you think you need, so you create this whole script in which they're painfully submissive to your every whim and can't exist outside of you.

Like I said, that's stuff little kids do. Grow up, please.

Just grow up, please.