Relentless Self-validation

I notice I keep berating myself for not keeping the house clean. This thought started coming on after my boss came to drop off the work laptop for me last Friday. She didn't say anything about my home, but still I felt like I was being despised, condemned, ridiculed, etc., not by her, but by those before her.

The last time a coworker came to my house was probably 15 years ago. I had a couple of coworkers who came, separately, and they both had very strong opinion about my choice of furniture, my style of home decor, my way of life, everything about my private space was made into a joke, a mockery, a criticism that they couldn't stop voicing, as if they couldn't be satisfied with their attack unless I buckled over, but I didn't, because I was speechless and didn't know what nice thing to say back to them so to maintain that now seemingly pointless courtesy.

It wasn't my first time opening up myself to someone, only to be attacked, but each time I shut down more and more of myself until I no longer have friends who visit me.

So people invalidate everything about me, my life, my personal choices, my personal space, my feelings and thoughts and aspirations, etc.

When my boss said she would come over to give me the laptop, I was generally okay with it, after so many years of healing, but I noticed deep down, the wound from my past is still bothering me, thoughts of condemnation still swirling around my head unyieldingly, and I keep pushing them away, but I guess I should just open the wound up and do more healing.