wanting to do dph, reasons i cant

ive been doing benadryl relatively consistently over the past 6 months? ish? to the point where its become an addiction and i crave it.
but sometimes the side effects get really nasty. where i'll feel like i cant breathe or i cant talk, and the brain fog gets real bad afterwards. but it almost feels physically painful when i cant be on it.
ive struggled with generalized anxiety disorder and agoraphobia since i was probably a toddler and dph is the only thing that has ever helped me. but with what happens when im on it and with my friends kind of looking down on me for it?
like, im a failure or i ended up an addict like my parents. like im unsalvageable

its for the better that im not taking it as often as i used to, and i do have plans to stop using it unless for actual medical purposes, but i just dont feel "ready". i feel too conscious when im not taking it.
really this just serves as a rant post but if anyone has any ideas for either getting off it entirely or reducing especially the respiratory depression shit that'd be awesome. ggs