I regret not killing my self

The past year i have been working on trying to be ok. I had decided to commit suicide on my birthday last year i also set a condition for not doing it which was a hug... I ended up getting a hug on my birthday by a stranger and decided to try and make my life better. I had met my now boyfriend who made life somehow not as horrible but through the time that i have been trying to get better i have hurt him a lot with my selfish actions. He is such a pure soul. He's the kindest person I have ever met and actually cares about me and what i want. He's been my reason for going but the past about 2 weeks a lot of trauma came up that he's been trying to work through partially that I enforced as well through my selfish behaviour. He has been telling me about how much i had hurt him because he can't talk to anyone else about it due to the nature of the situation. Realizing how much I had hurt him and how painful it is for him to deal with i honestly feel like I should have killed my self and spared him all the pain of having me in his life. He has been there for me theough so much. He's so important to me. He's my everything. I hurt him so much. He has said he had forgiven me but i cannot forgive my self for putting him through what i did. My birthday is approaching fast and i'm struggling hard. When i mentioned feeling like i should killed my self my friend said jokingly that well you can still do it. It was a joke but i am considering it now. I feel I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve my boyfriend. I have put him through hell and he would be better off without me. He deserves so much better. He's such a precious soul. I don't know what to do with my self