Tough question for me to ask

I am diagnosed with depression plus mixed episodes. When I wasn't taking medicine I had episodes of mania, including a 9 day episode where I didn't sleep and ended up getting pink slipped due to being suicidal, both ideation and intent. I don't know if that qualifies for BP or not, I really should ask my nurse for my official diagnosis.

I'm wondering if anyone else can relate to what I am experiencing now. I had my SSDI cut and I moved into my car, since I no longer can afford to pay rent where I was living, or really anywhere I am willing to live in my area.

This has been very hard on me. I have been having a lot of suicidal thoughts, especially early today. I hate going back and forth from ok to suicidally depressed in episodes that can either last days to multiple times throughout the day.

It feels like everything I need to do daily is such a chore to do. I have nothing to do in my car. I have no friends, my family is gone. No support system except for my NP. I have CPTSD and I am overwhelmed by all the environmental noise I experience living in the car. It feels like a coordinated assault on my senses sometimes. I wish I could go back to when I was "normal."

I saw my NP this afternoon via phone. I talked about the suicidal thoughts and he was close to doing a pink slip, but instead helped by taking measures with the meds instead. But he said if it becomes overwhelming I should go to the hospital.

My gabapentin dose was increased and slowly throughout the day after taking it I started feeling better. The thoughts diminished and I even went and got a shower and shave at the truck stop. I feel somewhat stable.

But back to earlier I picked up my meds and I had the thought, maybe I'll take the entire month bottle of Seroquel I take for sleep. I even researched if it would be enough to do the job. But then I thought, well if I don't die, I'll be screwed for sleep the entire month.

I don't know what to do. I don't see any way out of my situation. It isn't good to rely only on pills to help alleviate my feelings. I really hate that I feel so alone and have to dwell inside my diseased mind.

I'm sorry if this post was all over the place. It is difficult to put my thoughts down when my mind is so conflicted.