[<<First chapter](https://www.reddit.com/r/humansarespaceorcs/comments/1torxha/stupid_sexy_cryptids_chapter_1_the_monster_under/) / [< Previous Chapter](https://www.reddit.com/r/humansarespaceorcs/comments/1tu0t2u/stupid_sexy_cryptids_6_brain_spiders/)

A seven-foot-tall cryptid with claws that looked like they could easily shred steel and teeth designed for taking down large prey was…

“You’re scared of the dark?” I arched an eyebrow, recalling the younger version of Shady stringing excessive X-mas lights all over the cardboard fort we’d made to ‘keep the dark’ away.

“Just a bit.” She shrugged. “I can manage it now. I’m talking ‘bout tomorrow, when my base fears will be much more obvious. Let's go for a walk in the garden now.”

She grabbed my hand pulling me off the couch.

"It's dark outside," I pointed out.

"Not yet it isn't. Twilight's different. Besides, I'm still me for a few more hours."

The back door led onto a wraparound porch that Grandpa had never bothered to maintain. Paint peeled like sunburned skin, and several boards creaked ominously under Shady's weight. Beyond lay Grandma’s prize garden, currently a wilderness of overgrown roses and weeds that had declared independence from human intervention.

"Watch the third step," I warned. "It's rotted through."

Shady hopped over it gracefully. "Your grandparents really let this place go toward the end, huh?”

"Grandpa was ninety-three when he passed. I think yard work wasn't exactly his priority." I followed her down into the garden, pushing aside a curtain of overgrown, green something.

“Sadge,” Shady plowed through ferns and other misc weeds like a tank. “Your grandma made the best chocolate chip cookies. She'd leave them cooling on the kitchen windowsill."

"You stole Grandma's cookies?"

“Do I look like a cookie criminal? She gave them to me.”

“Did you know my grandparents?”

“Sure did.” She nodded.

“And they didn’t freak out and stuff?”

“Nah. Your grandparents were kobolds too.”

“Meaning what?” I asked.

“Meaning they were bound to me as my property.” Shady clarified, dark feathers fluttering in little waves.

“Sooooo… this house is your property, that’s what you’re saying, miss dragon?”

“My family owns an excessive amount of stuff all over the place, yes,” Shady claimed.

“What’s your family like?”

“I’d rather not talk about them.” Her dark tail swished through several layers of weeds like a lawnmower blade.

The last rays of sun filtered through the overgrown arbor. Wild roses had claimed the trellises, their thorny vines weaving between the original structure to create natural archways. Somewhere in the tangle, night-blooming jasmine released its perfume into the cooling air.

“Did you run away from your family?” I asked.

Shady didn’t comment, but her hand squeezed mine.

“Why?”

“I'm a terrible monster and I've done terrible things,” she finally let out.

“Like eating hikers?”

“Like looking the other way. Like ignoring what the others were doing.” She looked down at a purple flower bush.

“Like eating hikers?”

“Would you stop it with the hikers? I'm trying to be serious here!” She half-heartedly swatted at me with a clawed hand.

“You're the one who said that you're going to eat hikers if I don't take care of you tomorrow,” I huffed.

“That was just a… guesstimate. I probably would not eat anyone and simply wander around the forest like a curious kitten.”

Yellow fireflies began to blink among the overgrown hedges. Then more, until the entire garden sparkled like someone had scattered Christmas lights through the undergrowth. Shady stopped walking, her head tilted back to watch them dance. I stared at the picturesque scene, the view nostalgically tugging at me. We’d been here before, back when my grandparents were both alive.

Above us, the first stars were beginning to pierce the darkening sky. Without the city's light pollution the view was spectacular, featuring the kind of star field that made you feel simultaneously insignificant and part of something vast.

"Shady," I said sitting down on a stone bench half-covered in moss. "Before the brain spiders turn you into a concussed potato can you at least give me some idea of what I'm walking into here?"

She slumped onto the ground in front of me, assessing that the bench could not handle her size. "What do you want to know?"

"Everything. Who's after you? What did you do? Why here? Why now? And don't give me any more 'love to but can't' bullshit."

"That's a lot of questions."

"Yeah, because I've got a lot of concerns about harboring a fugitive cryptid who's about to lose her marbles."

Shady was quiet for a long moment, glowing eyes tracking the dance of fireflies around us. The stars grew brighter overhead, and I could make out the faint shimmer of the Milky Way beginning to emerge.

"I ran away from home," she said finally.

"That's it? You're acting like you committed war crimes, and it's just, what, teenage rebellion?"

She turned to face me, fireflies creating a halo of light around her antlers. "My family has very specific ideas about duty and stuff…”

“And if they come here and chop me up and take you away?” I asked.

“They shouldn’t be able to find me.” Shady shook her feathery mane.

“But what if they do?” I insisted.

“Tell them that you’re my kobold and that you’re inhabiting hoard-property I own. They’ll leave you alone.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means that you’re my property and you live on my property. Just be a dumb, clueless, polite human.” She made the ‘I'm a dumb, clueless human’ face, sticking out her tongue.

“And if they slap me into a wall on the account of you being mindless?” I demanded.

“They’ll look into your head and see that I’ve done this to myself. It’s not like you fed me brain spiders.” She shrugged.

“They can look into people’s heads like you?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Can you look into my head now?” I asked, deciding to test my mind-split curtain.

“I could. Now my mind is spidering up, so no.” She sighed.

“They won’t like… come out of your ears at night and infest my brain too… right?” I asked.

“I don’t think so.” She waved a dark hand.

“You don’t sound too sure.”

“You’re a human. They’d die in you. You ain’t got…” She made the sound of a ticking clock.

“A cryptid brain?” I guessed.

“Yeah, that.” She nodded.

"Let's back up to this whole dragon-kobold thing. You keep mentioning it like I should know what the hell that means."

Shady plucked at the moss on the ground, avoiding my eyes. "It's just... a working relationship."

"Working relationship where I'm your property?"

"It's not as bad as it sounds."

"Shady, slavery is pretty much exactly as bad as it sounds."

"It's not slavery!" She huffed, silver sparks flashing across her cheeks. "It's more like... employment. With benefits."

"What benefits?" I demanded.

“Usually... magic powers,” she clarified.

“Where’s my magic powers, Shady?”

“Need a hoard for that. Kobolds traditionally help maintain the hoard—" She swayed slightly.

"What hoard?" I asked,

"—and handle basic logistics, communications with the outside world, procurement of supplies..."

"You mean shopping and paying bills."

"Among other things, yes," she agreed.

"So you’re a dragon. Do you breathe fire?" I wondered.

“Dragon-adjacent. Also, that’d be a fire hazard. I breathe in terror and steal secrets with my mind-hooks,” she revealed.

I squinted at her.

“Used to. Brain spiders,” she added, looking shy.

"Do you have wings too?"

"Nah, I’ve got a glider at home for flying.”

“A glider. So the place you’re from is advanced enough to build flying cars or something?”

“Very advanced,” she agreed. “Could crush your civilization overnight.”

I frowned at the prospect of humanity being obliterated overnight.

"Okay." I tiredly collected my scattering thoughts. "So your family are dragons. They own property all over the place, including apparently this house. They have kobolds, aka human servants, who maintain their stuff and handle human affairs. Yes?"

“Human adjacent. Not necessarily humans.”

“Like vampires?”

“Sure. Lots of weird shit out there,” she agreed with a shrug of dark, muscular shoulders.

“And I'm your kobold because of some magic contract my grandparents signed?" I resumed my interrogation, glad that I was finally getting something out of her.

"Blood pact. But yeah, basically... Your kobold line began with Cascade mill owner Alexander Edwardio Clifford who signed his soul and the souls of his descendants over to my great-grand aunt in eighteen sixty nine."

"Uh-huh. The same blood pact you tricked seven-year-old me into making?"

Her ears flattened. "I didn't trick you. You were lonely and wanted a friend. I was… lonely and wanted a friend too. It was mutually beneficial."

"But it also made me your property," I clarified.

“I never treated you as property,” she stated.

“Do you have a hoard?”

“Not currently.”

I rubbed my nose, “What is a hoard even? Gold?”

“Magically valuable shit,” she clarified.

“Like artifacts?”

“Sure. Anything dimensionally skewered really.”

“Dimensionally skewered?”

“Yeah. Stuff with properties beyond linear.” She bobbed.

“And how do you claim a dimensionally-skewered item?”

“I have to lick it to claim it.”

“What?” I chortled. “That’s it?”

“Yep. Now that I think about it, I might try to harvest magical things and make a hoard while I'm… less smart.”

I glared at her.

"Don’t give me that look. It's not like I designed the system! This is just how these things work! Dragon-kobold relationships are sacred bonds that—"

"Sacred bonds my ass!" I declared. "You're telling me that because I was a lonely seven-year-old who wanted a friend, I'm now magically enslaved to your family for life?"

“Technically because you’re a descendant of your grandparents, you were already a kobold, just one that wasn’t fully bound. I fully bound you.”

“Gee thanks,” I huffed, crossing my arms.

“You’re welcome.” She grinned.

“I was being sarcastic!”

“I know.”

"So if you licked, say, my tablet..."

“Your tablet lacks a soul and it's not dimensionally skewered. There’s nothing Infinite, Entropic or Syntropic there for me to claim.”

I mentally noted the terms.

“Does the hoard do anything for me?”

“You could get magic powers.”

“Could?”

“Maybe. I dunno. It depends on stuff.” She shrugged, pawing at some moss.

“What stuff?”

“Extradimensional affinity. If you ain’t got that there’s fuck all you’ll be able to do. Hoard quality and size matters too.”

“I see. So, is there anything magical nearby?”

She sniffed the air. “Maybe. Not sure. Brain spiders are digging up my soul. Might locate some stuff once my skills restart.”

“What skills?”

“Sniffing extradimensional stuff. Being spooky. Looking like a dog to humans. Maybe some others.”

“Like what?”

“I dunno. The point of the spiders is to scramble me like an omelet so I won’t be easily located.”

“If you came here during summer this might give your family a general sense of where to look, no?” I speculated.

"Maybe," she admitted after an unnervingly deep pause. "But there are lots of places I visited during summers. Like I said, my family owns tons of properties. This estate was just one of them and it’s not smelling very extradimensional right now. Only a completely insane Om… erm, cryptid would hide out here.”

“So you’re insane, that’s what you’re saying?”

“I’ve made a decision and I’m sticking to it.” She huffed, feathers fluttering up and down.

“Which decision?” I asked.

“To live here!” She patted my head. “A simple life with my simple bestie.”

“Should I be offended?”

“I don’t mean simple as in dumb,” Shady clarified with a half-hearted smile. “I mean… You’re about as important as a fruit fly in the greater scheme of the universe.”

"How many other properties does your family have?"

“Lots. It’s not like I counted ‘em all." She shrugged. "I had a very active social calendar."

"You some kind of cryptid socialite?" I wondered.

"I was networking n’ making connections! Building relationships with my kobolds!" She bristled. "Claiming stuff is a very important dragon business."

“How much stuff have you claimed on Earth?” I asked.

“It doesn’t really matter. It won't belong to me tomorrow.”

“Hrm. Does your family know how much stuff you’ve claimed?”

“They know of some stuff, which they owe themselves. This Earth is just one of many worlds I’ve travelled to.”

“Travelled on what?”

“I… uhh… Holes in space-time? Ugh. Frighhh. It's getting hard to think.” She massaged her temples.

I mentally growled. *Why didn’t she tell me stuff earlier? Could me knowing more of such things really endanger me?*

"Are there other people like me?” I asked. “Other... kobolds?"

Her expression shifted, becoming more guarded. "Were. Past tense."

"What happened to them?"

“Nothing. The spiders are snipping off the connections. Have been for days now. Snippedy snip snip.”

“Wait, so…”

“Tomorrow you won’t be my kobold anymore.”

"Wait, what?" I stared at her, trying to process what she'd just revealed.

"The brain spiders don't just scramble skills or snip away memories," Shady said, picking at the moss more vigorously, leaving furrows with her claws. "They sever magical connections too. It's part of the whole 'making me untraceable' and ‘cutting me off from my family’ thing."

"What does that mean exactly?"

"It means the blood pact gets dissolved tonight. You'll be... free."

"Free." I chewed mentally on the word. "Free to do what?"

"Whatever you want. Date vampires. Sell me to your Randy Foundation. Run away screaming into the night." She shrugged and her tail had gone still. "No magical compulsion to stick around this old ass mansion or... me."

I frowned. "Was there a magical compulsion before?"

“Sort of... maybe? I... I am not sure. Uhhh... I could have ordered you around and stuff... when you were seven. Then... around nine, not anymore. Anyway, I didn’t really have to command you to do shit. You liked me. Out of every other kobold tied to me, you did it willingly and with a smile. I didn’t force the blood binding with a mental hook, saw in your head that you were lonely and thought that I was… cute.”

“So this entire time, you could have… bossed me to do anything? Forced me to do anything?

“I’d never boss you around, Ashy! We are besties!” She declared with an extra-indignant look.

“Why?”

She became quiet for so long I thought she wouldn’t answer me. The fireflies flickered around us in lazy spirals. Somewhere in the distance an own called into the gathering gloom.

“Because you… smiled every time you saw me,” she said, “thought about how happy you were to see me… every freaking time. Even when I scared the crap outta you by jumping out from behind trees or hidin’ in your closet or under your bed. You’d yelp, then laugh and tackle me for a glomp-hug.”

I suddenly recalled doing just that, mauling a far smaller Shady who was around my height long ago.

“Shady…”

“I didn’t want to break that. I already had far too many terrified servants who cowered in my presence.” She winced, curling in a bit on herself. “I let you be you. Even if it meant… less ‘proper efficiency’ in the whole kobold-dragon arrangement.”

I stared at her.

“That’s what doomed the continuation of our friendship really,” she stated darkly. “That’s why I lost you for so long. I am expected to lord over my kobolds. I did a bit of such dum' lording for thirteen years… until I…” She seemed to lose track of her thoughts, blinking quickly. “Until I went on a field trip and then… saw the Lampshade podcast and did some bad stuff… and then returned to the Clifford Estate to find you again. You were… no are, my exception.”

“What exactly was in that podcast that made you run away?”

“The truth, Ashy. Absolute, terrible truth. About me. About my family. This… Kitsune boy was on it.” She shuddered. “Lissander Fox. He showed a video, photos of… humans in semi-transparent suitcases. Taken apart… but still alive. Not just adults, Ashy. Kids too. One of them was just a kid… he had a single eye and half a brain left. Same color as yours. Hazel.”

Shady covered her face with her hands, big, silver eyes filling with tears.



[<<First chapter](https://www.reddit.com/r/humansarespaceorcs/comments/1torxha/stupid_sexy_cryptids_chapter_1_the_monster_under/) / [< Previous Chapter](https://www.reddit.com/r/humansarespaceorcs/comments/1tu0t2u/stupid_sexy_cryptids_6_brain_spiders/) / [\> Next chapter 8 \[On royal road\]](https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/129134/stupid-sexy-cryptids-or-how-i-became-the-emperor/chapter/2525070/8-imprinted)



Stupid Sexy Cryptids - Chapter 7: Night Sky