I’m so tired of the meds, chronically empty

I’m on so many medications.
I’m so tired of being dumped by psychiatrists.
I’m so tired of my insurance being 300$ every month. (That’s with government help)
I don’t tell anyone I have bipolar or BPD cause there’s so many negative connotations. I went to a rehab for mental health and when I was asked about it by others they think I went to a crazy house. I need help. I don’t know what else to do.
I’m on lithium and I want to get off. They told me if I ever have a chip I must stay on lamotrigine because my depression, BPD and bipolar combined makes me susceptible to maternal “hurting” (if you catch my drift.)
I was so taken aback. I thought I’m even more viewed as a monster than I thought.
I’m on lamotrigine which I feel does nothing, but my doctors say I just don’t notice it.
I’m on duloxetine for my depression. (Only one that I feel works.)
I’m on vraylar and my brain is so addicted if I miss one day I have psychogenic seizures.
Clonezapam for anxiety attacks.

I have tried so many medication cocktails and I just want to be off of them.
I’ve been on so many medications that weening one off causes me to go nuts in some way physically or mentally.
I don’t know if rehab helped. I still feel chronically empty. I don’t want to go back.
I’ve tried so much. When does life actually get better. I feel like I’m back at square one.
I just want to be on duloxetine. Nothing else but the doctors won’t listen to me.
I feel like a crazy empty monster. I need help.
I just got fired, which didn’t help with my self esteem. Now I need two jobs and disability won’t help me.