32F, accomplished on paper, but feeling like a complete mess inside

I’m 32F. And honestly? I constantly feel like I haven’t done enough with my life.

Which sounds ridiculous even as I type it. I have a top degree. I’ve had plenty of job opportunities. But here’s the thing, I never wanted to just take a job. I wanted to create something of my own. So I didn’t go the traditional route.

School was weird for me. I did great in grades 1–3, then completely fell apart, then did great again in grades 8–10. The rest? A mess. Undergrad was good, I studied hard. But I’ve always been a bookworm who doesn’t always get things, you know? Like I can memorize and repeat, but deep understanding? Not always there.

By the time I got to my masters and doctorate, I just couldn’t give enough. I don’t blame my guide or my institution. I signed up for it. I should have done better.

On the side, I found some success as a freelancer in one niche. But even that doesn’t feel like mine because freelancing still means working under some platform, some system. So now I’m trying to build my own thing. Some days I work nonstop. Most days it’s just… struggling. Like really struggling.

Now the doubts are screaming: Will I ever make it? Do I even know who I am?

And to make it more fun, I also started trying to get in shape. So now I’m confused, working out, stepping on the scale… and the number won’t go down the way I want. My own product isn’t taking off the way I want. Two battles at once, losing both some days.

I have really good supporters in my life. They keep me going. But the self-doubt is so loud sometimes.

I don’t even know what I’m asking. Maybe just… does anyone feel like this? Like you’ve done all the “right” things but still feel behind? Like you’re working hard in multiple directions but nothing is moving?

Thanks for reading.