I made a previous post about my relapse so I'll greet y'all like I do and he rehab clinic nurses, "heyo, it's your favorite alcoholic dickhead again." Had therapy again and was going about everything and my struggles to keep up personal principals and values outside of my feelings. I have a complex history with always being a "different" combination of neurodivergant, but mental illness really hit me by 3rd grade and I needed meds and therapy and such since. The problem... I grew up with, unknown to me, mental illness in my mom's family, mostly her and my aunt and grandmother and other female relatives, but it was a lot of "that's just how they are" and accommodating abusive behavior. I developed far more severe issues and instances of disorders even younger, but was held to higher standards of expected stoicism. Ultimately, I needed intense meds and therapy and was even recommended to be institutionalized when I was around 10 years old and honestly? I feel like my parents were against it more so out of bias and shame than actual concern, and this included going into further denial of anything I felt unless a doctor or medical professional explicitly told them. Also finding out as an adult it wasn't just ADHD but I'm autistic with heavy PDA, all these years believing I'm "broken" were not true. I even got validation that it's especially bad for autistic kids like me and regardless that screaming at your child for hours and hours every day because they don't do whatever you want when you want as your anxiety issues dictate is not a good thing. I tried so hard all my life to get through just a single day of school with my OCD making me reread and rewrite and obsess about every possible issue and the more people, the worse, but if I didn't suck it up and push through I'd just be a "failure" and lesser and a liability/ burden.

Idk how to explain feeling guilty about your life and the support you need for when you're only 12 years old to where you legitimately have times you wonder if you should kill yourself because you're such a burden on your family. And especially because mental illness isn't "real" illness, I am told I was lucky to be taken to the doctor and given the meds I needed and that's all that was needed. Even as an adult, I hear my parents talk about my sister vent about feeling "short chained" because of me, but ultimately it's just because I needed more care and she didn't get spoiled as much. The kicker? I tried so hard all my life, with therapy, school, fighting the hopelessness and trying to be good and principled and compassionate... But it has never been good enough because I'm just surviving and not achieving,  there were times I considered dumping my meds out when I was a teen and seeing if I ended up in a hospital or jail because I felt so defeated and "no matter how hard I try, it'll never be good enough." This even continued into adulthood for jobs, friendships, relationships, etc where I accept poor treatment because of it. But from it I learned that I have to be on my best behavior and try and overcome and preserve and I can't be me and just falter and struggle and still be loved, I need to achieve and overcome for it. I loved the wrong person before, and it was because I felt like I could "just be" with her and not hold up a mask or endorse a persona for acceptance. 

Ironically, the closest thing I've come to what we call "unconditional love" is my best bud from college. He isn't bound to me by family ties or history, he doesn't owe me anything and he has no use for me on his life as we are grown up now and just talk a bit. But he's been there, any time I falter or question myself or I started to make bad plans, he's been there. Most of my life, people don't care until you already have the noose around your neck, and this includes family, but this friend starts raising the alarms when he sees me tying it. He's married with his own life now, but never makes me feel bad and I actually asked him recently why he even bothers with me, he had nothing to gain. And I've had a few women say they "love" me but it doesn't last like that or the passion shared, it's not long and consistent. I have lived my life to fulfill a role of a son/brother/friend/ lover/ that clown you know rather than ever try to find my own personhood. It's so stupid because I get so upset at others being mistreated, but then feel this martyred, masochistic belief that I deserve suffering and it's better me than others. I take a look back like bro, check your ego and main character syndrome, you ain't Jesus 😭😂. 

Who else feels like a homunculus born without a sould but adapting to surroundings?

Chonky omlette. Had therapy, not sure I know what being a "person" is. Ive felt unconditional love but not sure if I've received it. I relate to Gregor Samsa, my acceptance is effort and achievement dependent, but I've been a burden since childhood. Even my sister resents me for my medical issues