didn’t recognize his voice today

it’s been two months now since the breakup and i went no contact. im not sure if he is a narcissist, but there was a lot of disrespect, betrayal, neglect, and lying in that relationship. im seeing a new guy now and trying to move forward, and i feel like i have made progress in moving on, but i didnt realize it would be this hard. my ex and i were together for almost 4 years, and we started dating when i was 17 and he was 20. now we’re 21 and 23, and i feel like after growing up with him and having that familiarity for so long, i can only think about how things used to be with him. i dont want to get back together with him, but i miss the comfort in my routine and in that person. and i miss thinking that he was going to be it, but in the end, he wasnt.

today i was going through voicemails and i realized he had left me some back in 2023-2024 ish. maybe one in 2025, but nothing super sweet then, and then nothing from 2026. august of 2025-feb/march of this year was when he did the majority of his cheating and talking to numerous people online as well as posting pics and vids of himself.

i think after i found out and we broke up, i went through everything. did he fall out of love with me or was it always that way? and i found evidence to show that he had talked to other people before while we were together- even from the beginning. i had found some things at points through our relationship, but he led me to believe that the dates were wrong or that he didnt remember and i honestly believed him. eventually i lost my mind after we broke up, went into psychosis for about 2 weeks where i couldnt sleep. after that my mental health was still terrible, but improving once i started sleeping again. im ok now, but definitely still dealing with some open wounds and trying to figure out who i am in all this has been the biggest issue.

anyways, i listened to the old voicemails today and honestly didnt recognize his voice. like tone and pitch- some of it stood out to me, but i couldnt remember what it was like and it didnt sound like him. towards the end of our relationship he sounded really cold and empty when he spoke to me or i tried to ask him things, and comparing the drastic difference between that to how bubbly and happy he sounded in the voicemails really was a bit of a surprise.

but hearing his voice though, i didnt miss it. i didnt even really miss hearing the good times because i know thats not what he is anymore and i know thats not real. it felt weird- like i was looking at it as just a memory- knowing that there were some good times, but that those came and went. so i continue to try to move on