Unblocking an ex

We started dating 9 years ago. I, ‘29/M’, her ‘23/F’. We dated on and off for a year. We’d been friends previously before that.

It was the most comfortable I had been with anyone and I sabotaged the relationship because I was afraid of intimacy. I had never had anyone put pictures of us together in their home or talked about moving in with each other. She was so kind to me and it was very difficult to take in.

I needed A LOT of therapy, specifically around attachment and early childhood trauma. I don’t know that I would have gotten sober if it weren’t for that relationship.

I’m an artist and she and her mom used to like my posts on Instagram after we broke up. Her mom was super nice too lol. I just couldn’t deal with seeing her or her mom’s names and faces come up on my feed, so I blocked them both with the suggestion of a mentor. To give myself some space and time to heal and figure out what was going on with me.

Today I just randomly got so sad that I pushed her out of my life, when she still wanted to have contact. I feel bad that I blocked them both. I don’t even use instagram much anymore. I just got this wave of grief about the loss of connection. I needed to learn how to communicate my feelings.

I wanted to get some feedback about all of this. Specifically about unblocking an ex, even if there is no intention of reaching out. I just don’t like the feeling of having her on a blocked list, when I no longer feel like I need the boundary.

Any experience with this?