Dog Seed. Part 7.

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[CW: >!Animal Abuse, Sexual Content!<]

The cold chill of a hardwood floor woke me up while the late morning sun tried and failed to pressure cook the inside of my home. I’d left the air conditioner running all night when I didn’t have to. I’d need to learn how to implement it properly, otherwise the next utility bill was going to kill me.

Yet in that moment, the threat didn’t matter. All I did was lay there, sucking up cold snot as a level of congestion made it hard to breathe out my nose. I thumbed the circle scar along a buried temple, repetitive and slow. I’d been shot? My head was still reeling, and I knew that I couldn’t take much more of this.

Pulling out the old phone I kept in the pocket of my shorts, I’d stare at the meager list of contacts I’ve ignored for the last several years. My father, my brother, late mother, and the Eldridge Restoration Center. My finger shook as I dialed the first one.

“We’re sorry, but the number you are calling has been disconnected or is no longer in service.” I listened until the call ended automatically, then I thumbed the second number. “We’re sorry, but-” I hung up and clutched the phone tight to the front of my chest. This wasn’t happening. Had any of this been real?

I didn’t try to call my mother. I was too scared. But I started wondering if the money I inherited had always been hers alone to give, or if it was accumulated between both of my parents. Posthumously gifted after the lawyers finally tracked me down while I was couch surfing through different jail cells.

That was still real, wasn’t it? It was why the background check was a risk when buying this house. I was only lucky the realtor was desperate. Yes, this was true. It had to be. I didn’t know where the contested memories began or ended, I didn’t know how much of me was fact or superfluous fiction.  

Something stiffened in my gut as I stared at the final contact. Its inclusion seemed to anchor me. I did spend time in a psychiatric hospital. But the why and for how long existed as nothing more than theory. With a deep inhale of breath, I called the number and listened to it ring.

Unlike the others, the call was inevitably picked up. The voice on the other end was old, yet that didn’t deny her drive to provide the best in hospitality. “Eldridge Restoration Center, how may I help you this morning?” The bubblegum pop contrasted itself against the harsh wrinkles in her words. I didn’t answer for several seconds.

“Hello?” She was patient, I couldn’t be rude. “Hey.” I didn’t mean to stop there, but I genuinely didn’t know what else to say. The old woman grew concerned. “Are you alright, miss?” I was beginning to hate being asked that. “This is Lori… Lori Haver.”

A sudden gasp crackled over the speaker. “Oh my, Lorelei? My, I never thought I’d get to hear your pretty voice again!” Her sudden recognition appeared to turn the kind old woman into an incredibly earnest gossiper.

“You were always such a darling little thing. So quiet, I still remember the night they brought you into our little ward.” Her laughter was pretty. “Never did anything wrong, is your memory getting any better? I was shocked after I heard you were prematurely released because your insurance dropped their support.”

I didn’t need to say a word to have her spill all of this. The knot in my gut was tightening. “Do you know why I was admitted?” I blurted out the words without thinking better first. This immediately raised alarm bells. “Darling. You were a blank slate when you first arrived here. Barely eight years old with a hole in your head, we all knew what had happened to you.”

My words proved more than persistent. “But what happened? I thought I remembered, but I’m starting to recall things that shouldn’t make sense.” I shouldn’t have said that. The line grew quiet for longer than was comfortable for either of us.

“Lorelei, maybe you should consider coming back for a bit.” I immediately rescinded after hearing that. “I can’t.” Rather, I won’t. I’d dug myself too deep a hole, to try and escape now would mean that I never got another chance.

“Darling…” I hung up before the nice old woman had the chance to try and convince me. My head was too full to function. I couldn’t see straight. Whatever story I made up to coerce sense of what happened to me… none of it was real. Or rather, the memories themselves were too fucked up for me to properly sparse the correct details.

Sitting up, I pressed my back into the front door as I stared down the renovated hallway. Did we really move after Toby died? Was my brother actually off somewhere attending college? Did my dad genuinely live on the other side of country?

I couldn’t help it, I broke. Nothing made any sense. Tears poured down my cheeks in a glaring excess, a racking series of sobs clenched taut a sick stomach. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t ground myself to anything solid. Except for him. That damned dog. I practically crawled out into the backyard in search of his grave. The dog tree stood high upon its rooted haunches and blotted out the sun with its many overladen branches.

It started here, right? My memories fractured the day Toby died. My father had hit me out of spite. Because I was his daughter? Perhaps it wasn’t Toby, but me, that ruined everything. He wouldn’t have had to shoot twice if I’d just listened and gone inside. I began clawing at the dirt, trying to reach Toby. I heard the front door open and close far away.

I was still sobbing when Took dragged me away from the tree. It’s fertile earth caking a pair of reaching hands; I started screaming the moment he pressed my head to his chest. “Don’t touch me!” Of course, I bled an unfair anger through him. Took did as he was told and released me, he was always so obedient when he wanted nothing more than sex.

Silence fell as I curled up along the trimmed grass. Took was petrified. He didn’t know how else to handle me. That wasn’t his fault, but I blamed him anyway. I never should’ve come back here. I should have stayed well enough away from all this. I would’ve been happier living a lie.

“Lori…” He tried once more to touch me, but I swatted him away. “Why do you have to be so perfect? Can’t you fucking see that I don’t deserve you?” Good girl, let him down slow. Push the only person you care about away. Killing yourself will be a lot easier after that.

He stood there, aghast. I’ve been cruel to him before, but this time I put all my effort into punishing him for ever thinking that this could be love. “Lori, I care about you. I do! And I don’t care what your head is trying to tell you.”

The rugged man reached out and grabbed me, pulling me close as I tried to kick and punch. He took every hit without flinching, doing all he could to hold me steady. “You don’t deserve me? Bullshit. I want you more than anything.”

My heart broke upon hearing that. “Why can’t you just go away?” I was beating uselessly against his chest now. I didn’t want to hurt him, I’d be a monster if I had. “Because I love you, Lori. Ever since I saw you standing all alone outside this haunted house. It was purely sexual at first, I won’t deny that. But then I saw you, against all odds, start doing the impossible.”

Took clasped both my cheeks and made me look at him. “Everyone else looked at this place and called for it to be condemned. But you saw hope here. And look at it now. You didn’t give up like everyone else. You didn’t stop because it was hard. You made this damned house into a home.”

“It’s only because I had no choice! I had to come back here!” My admission took the man by surprise, and for the first time, he took a step away from me. “Come back?” His confusion was evident. I didn’t try to keep lying.

“My family lived here, back when I was a kid! That stupid story you all keep talking about? It was my dad who killed our dog! My dad that murdered the rest of his family!” My scar was burning brightly. “And for some stupid reason, I survived!”

Took found himself with nothing to say, so I persisted. “I couldn’t remember what happened, so I was shipped off to some mental health facility on the other side of the country. I only came back here because I wanted closure. Yet all I keep managing to find are more questions.”

I noticed him glance over at the dog tree. “So, it was your family…” He was too busy piecing everything together to notice me wince. “I just wanted to come home.” This was more an excuse than anything. I had a million and one reasons for being here, all of them having to do with running away.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” This was par for the course. He saw us as something deeper. I was merely playing along. “I didn’t tell anyone.” My response was minimal, and it didn’t answer the question. The truth is, I was scared. I didn’t tell him this either. “I think I have trouble… remembering things.” This was the truth, but again, it didn’t answer his goddamn question!

Took stared at me for a long time without speaking. I couldn’t imagine what all he was thinking. Did he hate me? Would he forgive my transgressions? The fact of the matter was we’d only really known each other for a little over a week. So why was his silence killing me?

“I’m sor-” He didn’t give me the chance to apologize. Instead, he pulled me back into his arms and started sobbing. “I didn’t know!” His response floored me, but it didn’t inspire me to continue hiding a renewed onslaught of hardening tears.

We cradled each other beneath the dog tree. His words were as apologetic as mine were. But it broke the stubborn streak I sought to die protecting. Right as soon as I saw his cute smile attempting to reassure me through the worse of my spiral, I admitted to everything I believed was true.

I couldn’t help but plead forgiveness should anything I say be completely wrong. Even in my honesty, I couldn’t remember. Even as I tried to show him that I wasn’t trying to keep anything else from him, so much of it didn’t make sense.

He swore that he understood but insisted that I seek help. I was clearly at my breaking point. Far past it, I might argue. But the fear of losing everything I fought for over the last several months wasn’t something that I could willingly turn away from.

I might as well go down with this ship. Took was eager to see me return to shore safely. We’d argue. We’d kiss. Do more. He left shortly after dark. I’d notarize our compromise by watching him leave wearing nothing but his shirt.

He’d give me the night to think. But come tomorrow, I’d grant him an answer as to whether or not I’d admit myself back into psychiatric care. But I was only stalling for time. I knew the answer before we’d even fallen into bed together.

I wasn’t going back. I knew this would cost me his affection, perhaps even make him despise me. Took was simply trying to help, as best he knew how. But I wasn’t stupid. They wouldn’t let me leave again, I wasn’t capable of living on my own. My head was penchant for filling up with lies, and I had every intention to keep believing them. When have I ever proven otherwise?

After watching that red truck pull out into the street underneath the glow of a full faced moon, I rescinded from the lingering heat so to find solace in a thrumming air conditioner. The house was relatively quiet now that the broken windows were replaced and left shut.

Cold air circulated throughout the downstairs and prodded gooseflesh along a pair of exposed legs. There were so few things left to do after accruing some simple furnishings. Perhaps I’d buy a television. Maybe even a computer.

There were very little books adorning the simple shelves I’d placed along several of the walls. Perhaps I’d spend some time shopping the nearest thrift stores in an effort to fill them. I was so close to finishing what I started. Why abandon it all now? Perhaps without the stress of constant construction, the chaos behind these dull blue eyes would settle down on its own?

I entered the kitchen and retrieved a green glass from the cupboard, then opened up the fridge. I poured a mixture of water and orange juice. I went to close the door, and I was eight again. “No, no, no!” I’d start to panic. The soup was overflowing on the stove. My mother’s body was still facedown beneath the archway. I’d drop my glass and hear it shatter. Outside, a dog started barking.