I need help

I know this is going to sound pathetic (or not, I feel like if anyone would get me, it’d be you guys)

I genuinely just need some support telling me I can stop. I’ve never told anyone, I’ve never verbalized or acknowledged it, but this is my reality.

I’m addicted.

There’s only been one period of my life where I’ve gone nofap for longer than 3 days in 17 years. It was almost 1 month but that’s because almost every hour was centered around cold approach, dating, and so on. I was so committed to retention even when I’d take a date home I wouldn’t allow myself to finish

And frankly, half the time, I couldn’t.

For reference, my addiction ranges from relatable (daily) to absolutely how the f (entire seasons deleted, no memories, just 8-16hrs a day yanking it for 3 months straight)

But finally I want to change for reasons I never corrected the dots over.

I wanna be able to make eye contact with people again.

I want to be able to have an audible speaking volume again

I want to actual have engaging, escalating, exciting conversations, moments, and perception of reality again.

It’s gotten so bad I genuinely thought I was undiagnosed with autism

But lo- and behold, 2 days nofap and my internal monologue reappears

Strong eye contact, witty banter, imagination, relaxed posture, and overall belonging

Ffs man I’m too old to lack this kind of self control. I’ve taken hours out of my business because of this

At least if I was hooking up it’d build my ego but this does nothing for me

I still drag myself to the gym, to my laptop, to nights out, but my head just isn’t in it man. And it hasn’t been for a very long time, I literally talk to women now of obligation not due to that primal lust or even genuinely affection & connection.

I’m no longer depressed, dissociated, and less anxious cuz I’ve done the work to get out if that but this is my last and largest hurdle.

I want to be great, I want to be the man I get glimpses of when I run out of lube and have to retain my seed for an extra 15hrs until I go grocery shopping.

Someone, anyone, please just leave some kind words. I’ve never been vulnerable to anyone in my life I just need someone to tell me I can