Sobriety,weed,doctors,school and my relationship.please share some kindness.

Its my seconds post today since i feel all over the place.Im mustering up the courage to reach out to my doctor to get a psychatrist apointment.I knkw the root of my problem woth drinking.Ever since i was 17-18 my dad started randomly egging me on to drink with him every night.I loved the feeling so much i never stopped and im 21 now.My only saviour from this stupid fucking addiction is my boyfriend.We ve been together for 2 years and i mever told him i have a drinking problem.we live 2 hours away from each pther but visit weekly for about 4-5 days a week.He doesnt know it but when im with him i really really dont wamt to drink and i dont.He smokes weed (2 joints a day)since it helps him bc he was a speed and ecstacy addict for a few year and hes sober now for 6 years(hes 24 now).Smoking weed also helps me alot.When i smoke im totally okay with a joint a day and it helps me so much that i dont evem want to drink at all ever.But when im left alone without him for those two days i binge drink untill i pass the time to see him again.We had a big argument two days ago and its been one of those"we kiss,hug,and have fun together untill i or him gets pissed again "type or argument.We both did wrong but in the middle of our argument that first fight(just to say we have never had an argument untill now) i decided to drink again.It was tge day before i was supposed to get my period and the liqour made me even more emotional and after 5 years of no cutting i cut myself that night.I hate myself for doing it.Drinking always led to catastrophe for me(well at least drinking alone).So now,im 21 amd decided to drop out of college bc the enviorement makes me sick to my stomach.I have a plan to become a beautician as i love doing that.But i feel so lost.i feel like now i can have nothing to myself but him and sobriety and a hope for a better tomorrow.im turning over a new leaf and it feels so so so scary.I havent even told my parents im dropping out.i also cant muster up the courage to go to a psychatrist even thought i wpuld benefit from seeing one.i have constant health anxiety and a fear that i ll drop dead from the booze even though i did an ultrasound 6 months ago and my organs are totally fine.Please share some kind advice or words for this period of my life.