I got my dad's ashes back

It still doesnt seem real that hes gone and one of the strongest people I knew is now just ashes he was 6ft4 and weighed around 20 stone he was both physically and mentally a large part of my life. His wish was that he wanted to be scattered but we decided that we wanted them back. I will fulfil his wish at some point but for now I just need him with me. Its selfish I know but I hope he'd understand.

I spoke with the mental health team and they have offered me some bereavement councilling which I dont expect much to come of it as its about 20 sessions fortnightly and they last 15 minutes each. She's also informed me that my grief is normal and me just struggling to accept everything thats happened as "real" is just my brain trying to protect itself / myself along with just being in shock still which is causing me to have brain fog.

I'm still trying to survive as much as I dont want to but for the sake of my sister and my cats I'm going to keep trying to see the next day as much as things keep piling on top such as the housing situation, various people and companies wanting money, sorting his wake and what ever else is going on.

I have no intention of harming myself for those who are concerned about that. But that doesnt stop the longing of just wanting to be with him. As always I'm trying my best and hope its enough.