What's really the down side?

How do I not kill myself? I am struggling so much this week and I have never been closer to just ending things. I wish I was loved the way I want to be loved. The way I need to be loved. I can't keep living like this. I'm at my breaking point...

I'm doing stupid risky shit again like I did in my 20s. I'm trying to stand up for myself but what's the point. I don't really want to be with my husband anymore and then what? I don't really have family, I don't really have any place to go. I got screamed at this morning Because of our cats and then he said I was selfish. I feel like he is the selfish one. I've been begging for any form of affection for months (more realistically years). I'm touch starved. A man complimented the way i smelled yesterday and I honestly had very sinful thoughts as a married woman. I don't get compliments, I don't get kisses, no cuddles, no sex, no intimacy at all! It's been 8 years. It's like we are roommates! Or worse, I'm his mom. All I do is clean up after him and i can't even do that right....

I'm so beyond unhappy but I can't leave. He talks about killing himself too so it's not like he's the happiest. I just wish I could escape. I wish a hotel wasn't a billion dollars. We live in a small one bedroom with no doors so there is not a way to get a break. We have animals and we (under his name because he ruined my credit when we first got together) bought our house before we got married (we were engaged) I put a lot of money into it but I'm not on the deed at all 😭. I have nothing except my animals and if i leave i don't think I can even take care of them. I can't imagine keeping my job, I'm already struggling with it so much. My house is a mess, I can't keep up with cleaning at all since my back injury in feb and even before that to be honest.

I've lived my life in a very bad way and now I'm paying the price... I always end up wishing I killed myself when I was 16 lol that way I don't fuck up everyone else lives entangled in mine now, including my animals. I think i collected more animals because I want a reason to live but I ends up making me feel worse for even having these feelings...

I'm so angry and so sad and so disappointed. I'm looking for love in all the wrong places and I'm just done... it's like I don't even want to kill myself really. I just want to feel loved and not used. That should not be too much to ask for