I have so many self-cherishing thoughts

So many!

I’ve been paying extra attention to my thoughts and trying to feel out my subconscious ones too. And oh boy, I have so many self-cherishing thoughts, more than I ever thought I did.

I think about charity, make offerings for others, pray for others and all sentient beings. And there it is, that little voice in the back of my mind: “if anyone knew about this, they’d think you’re such a good person”, “People will think you’re great”, “you’re so awesome for this”.

And what’s the point of those thoughts? Nothing. They aren’t productive, they aren’t good motivation or intention. But they’re there, because that’s what a lot of us are used to, even if we aren’t even the most confident person in the world.

I try my best to set my intention, I *want* to do all of this for others. But those pesky self-cherishing and self-serving thoughts, they’re still in the back of my mind. Sometimes I do really well and really get my heart aligned into a great motivation for others, but most of the time, I’m plagued by worrying about how nice others will think I am or wanting to be a better person, or the end of my own suffering.

I am not perfect, I have room to grow, and that’s what practice is all about.

I’ve found that refraining from talking about any charity I do has helped, I used to be a lot worse and I loved bringing up all the good things I do. Now I just do them.

I’m at the beginning of my journey and I’m starting to practice more seriously and work on my self-cherishing in meditation.

I was wondering if anyone has any tips for guiding thoughts and motivation back into something more wholesome, or if anyone would like to share their own experience with this sort of thing?