Not passing in society.

tw: may include transphobia and internalized transphobia

Currently waiting for my therapy appointment, sitting in the waiting room. But instead of being excited, it got me feeling like shit. The center I go to basically specializes in helping people with transition, so the reception uses our preferred names.

But when I tell you how fucking stupid I feel when I walk in and have to introduce myself... I don't pass at all and my voice is a tragedy, so it sounds so pathetic when I have to say my name with that voice and face.

There's also a big mirror in the room, and when I catch a glimpse of myself, I feel like a clown.

And as if to torment me, there's only guys here today. I know I am completely wrong for saying that, but they all seem early in transition and it's a bit like looking into a mirror.

It kinda makes me realize that all the stereotypes come from somewhere. While most are wrong, there's still some truth to it. And I do look kind of stereotypical, probably just deluding myself that pass in any way lol.

So I catch myself wondering how stupid I must look to the people I pass on the street every day. Even to the people that pass by the center.

Not going to lie, when someone else is in the waiting room I introduce myself by my deadname, because I feel so embarrassed.