Yesterday I recalled

How often I used to cry in our marriage because of his words or actions. Basically, his unkindess towards me.

I cry occasionally when I think of our relationship, but mostly I cry because of happiness now.

I'm still mourning the relationship even though in reality it wasn't that healthy. Yesterday I recalled how often I used to cry. And how it aged me. How it negatively affected me and my ability to bond with others.

The fact that it's ended is a blessing. I'm still in the weeds and unable to see it fully yet. But the sunshine has been hitting me more often and more completely than it has since we got married.

I'm no longer having to regulate the chaotic emotions of a grown man. I no longer have to come to terms with the fact that he chose me because he thought I'd be a cheap date. Because he thought he could manipulate me and keep me small. He pretended to want an equal. A partner. It was all a lie and I fell for it and allowed him to treat me less than I deserved.

That's the truth. It's ugly, it's humiliating. It's evil.

He used to tell me that I was his best friend.

I don't understand. I'll never understand. And that in itself is a blessing.

I just have to remember that when I struggle emotionally.

I'm fighting through a chemical addiction. That's all. It's not real. None of it was real. I loved him but he didn't love me. In fact, he actively harmed me. Consistently. Knowingly.

Thank God I'm out. Thank God. Thank God.