**Lyrics:**

(Record scratch, ominous synth beat drops. Think Epic Rap Battles of History meets a glitching Windows 95 startup sound.)

(Spoken, deep voice):

In the beginning… there was BASIC. And it was… kinda slow.

Then he saw the future. Not in a dream. In a licensing agreement.

This is the Ballad of the Bald Philanthropist.

Brace for impact…

(Beat kicks in—funky, aggressive, with a dial-up modem as a snare drum.)

(VERSE 1)

Yo, check the mic, one-two, is this thing on?

It’s the dude with the glasses and the kingdom of silicon

They call me Bill, but the gov’ner called me “Gates”

‘Cause I slammed the patent on the software plates

I got a dream, not just a PC on a desk

But a planet full of Bills—yeah, that’s grotesque!

Every human a user, every user a clone

Every cursor a child in my digital ozone

(CHORUS - Catchy, singsongy, like a commercial jingle from hell)

He wants to pop-u-late the globe!

Click ‘Start’ then ‘Procreate’ mode!

From Seattle to a thatched Third World hut

Every baby’s born with a Blue Screen gut!

(Windows sucks ass!) That’s the family curse!

(It invented the virus!) Yeah, it’s gonna get worse!

But don’t you fret, I’ll patch it in a decade or three—

Now sign your life away for Office 365!

(VERSE 2)

You think AIDS was scary? Man, you ain't seen my spawn

I invented the Trojan back in ‘95 at dawn

Not a virus, nah, that’s just a feature, my friend

It’s a “critical update” that never ever ends

I crashed your term paper, I froze your porn stash

I made your printer go brrrrr then turn to trash

And when you scream “Fix it!”—what do I do?

I buy your genome, put a patent on you!

(BRIDGE - Slower, weirdly sincere, then unhinged)

They say “Bill, why kids? You got billions in the bank.”

I say… mosquitoes need a hobby, and the planet’s getting rank.

I’ll vaccinate the masses, then I’ll track their little pings

Then I’ll Ctrl+Alt+Delete their rebellious little flings

Populate. Procreate. Procrastinate the bug fix.

My last update just turned your toaster into a crucifix!

(CHORUS - Louder, more chaos, with a choir of angry dial-up sounds)

He wants to pop-u-late the land!

A broken cursor in every hand!

Your grandson’s first word? “Runtime Error!”

Your daughter’s first dance? The Blue Screen of Terror!

(Windows sucks ass!) Yeah, I wrote that code!

(It invented the virus!) And I spread that load!

Now take this vaccine and this Terms of Use scroll…

And pray my next kid doesn’t ask for your soul.

(OUTRO - Beat fades into a single, looping Windows error chime. A robotic Melinda voice whispers:)

“Installing progeny… 1% complete… System halted. Please contact your administrator.”

(Bill, spoken, laughing softly):

“You have mail. And it’s your overdue fertility license.

Accept? ............ Decline? (laughs) Decline isn’t an option in my ecosystem.”

(Final sound: The Windows 95 shutdown chord, but it glitches and plays three times in a row.)

(End.)

Stream Populate.exe (The Blue Screen of Genesis) by DJ NebulaNug