I pretend to be shy, but truth is I'm just mean.

People think I don't make many friends because I'm shy. They don't know the teenage me who always went in too hot and too fast. That person who was an asshole who treated people as disposable once she got bored.

They ask me why I'm so quiet. I simply live by the rules 'if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all'. Everytime I've spoken genuinely I've gotten in trouble. Too much. Too inappropriate. Too mean. Don't swear in front of my child. This banter is teetering on bullying. Having to censor myself is exhausting, so I'd rather just not talk.

I act shy and humble. How much of it is real? The second I let myself feel anything and stop acting like a bot, I get too egotistical. Aggressive and spiteful, and prone to mistakes. It's best to fly under the radar as a timid little girl.

People say In a good listener because I never interrupt. I'm quiet because I mentally checked out three paragraphs ago. But you know, my energy and emotions are so volatile, I'm just trying not to burn bridges in case I need you later. Future me would regret burning bridges because I need others for my own selfish gain.

I say words they want to hear. I don't really care about you. I don't care about my coworkers and what they did over the weekend. I don't care who my friend broke up with, or all the suffering that goes on in the world. But I know the magical words that will express some sort of condolence. Maybe I'll let you vent and agree with you. It 'costs nothing to be kind', right? Nothing but my sanity. I want you to shut the fuck up.

I don't know how else to live, because there's always consequences hanging over my head. My boss will give me a bad review. I'll get beat up for running my mouth. I was the wrong type of kid and never learnt how to double down in defiance, and obviously never learnt how to make it in this world without things like social credits and networking relationships.

It's so exhausting. I wish you'd shut up and I hate all of you.

But that's okay.

Cold but courteous. That's just how an Asian girl is supposed to act, right? Polite but never your friend. Professional but distant.