It's been 20 months ongoing... what's wrong with me?

I got crossfaded on Saturday and randomly texted him "i miss u" after being blocked for 20 months but then it said delivered and it just triggered my delusion all up again. I fucking hate him. But I miss him. If he came back, I'd obviously give in and entertain it. But I've been suffering in silence for over a year and a half because of him. I've tried everything, therapy, medications, staying busy with my career, and still... I'm so delusional that I'm convinced that my sheer willpower will get him back to apologize. I'm picturing it now: k-drama vibes, in the rain, and both of us are emotional and apologizing for how everything panned out and we make out passionately. It's too the point I still recognize his phone number from a quick glance. I still have a 40 minute sextape of us because it's the only proof that any of it was real. I've been self-medicating with drugs and alcohol not gonna lie. Greening out almost everyday, even at work. I've lost so many friends because I can't control my emotions and can't just get over it. Every time, I would mention him, they scoff and roll their eyes. And they eventually left me. This is all of his fault. I've made so much progress before him and he wrecked it. I want him to fucking apologize to me. I just don't care anymore. There's no amount of SSRIs or therapy will stop the constant obsessive rumination. Every part of the city is tainted. Songs are tainted. I can't live life without being reminded. I'm lowkey still functional to a degree, going to work and working on my masters application during my last year of my undergrad rn. Nobody ever sees my humanity. Nobody understands the pain I go through. People think I'm just being difficult, but I don't want these fucking thoughts. Like why would anyone fucking choose this????? 20 fucking months ongoing, like wtf is that?