Recent Breakup

Hello 👋

I had been with my recent FA ex for 3 years. We’re both in our mid-30s. We were long distance initially before I moved cities to be with him, and that’s when the problems really started.

It began with avoiding little things, then gradually progressed to avoiding physical intimacy and touch altogether. He would dissociate when touched, flinch when I kissed him on the cheek as though it physically hurt, and often seemed overwhelmed by affection. I wondered whether it was attachment-related, sensory issues, ASD, trauma, shame, or some combination of things. Rather than dismiss it, I gently encouraged counselling so he could better understand what was happening.

The problem was that he avoided therapy. He would only seek help when he reached crisis point.

As the years went on, the avoidance became more obvious. He stopped initiating intimacy, stopped holding my hand, would often walk several metres ahead of me, worked excessive hours, and seemed to use busyness and distance to avoid connection. Yet despite all of that, he still appeared committed to us.

He talked about our future. We discussed buying a home together. He told me he couldn’t imagine a life without me. He said he saw me as his wife and the mother of his children.

Then, after finally engaging in therapy again, he ended the relationship.

I’m struggling to make sense of how someone can talk about a shared future, discuss buying a house together, tell you they love you and see you as their future wife, and then end the relationship shortly afterwards.

For those who have experienced a breakup with a fearful avoidant partner, did they seem genuinely invested in the future right up until the end? Did they only realise how overwhelmed they were when they hit breaking point?

I’m trying to understand whether this was years of avoidance finally catching up with him, or whether he had emotionally checked out long before he left.

Any insight would be appreciated ❤️