How does it feel when medication works?

I have been living with depression and anxiety for as long as I remember, and was diagnosed with a personality disorder a decade ago. In the past 4 years (as far as my pharmacy logs go), I’ve been on 8 different antidepressants, 3 anxiety meds, and various antipsychotics. I don’t know if it’s been terrible bad luck or if I just have treatment resistant illnesses (most likely), or if the providers I have been with have just not tried hard enough to get me on the right path (also likely). One of the last ones fought with my insurance for months to get me on Spravato to no avail. The last NP I had took weeks to get into their Genesight account for me to be able to test and that did not go anywhere. I was without insurance for some time and paid out of pocket to hopefully be formally diagnosed by an MD and they were dismissive and tried to get me on TMS, which I could not do at the time. Now that I have insurance, I’m set to see someone new in July as a desperate last resort.

I want so badly to fix my brain. But I realize that I’ve been living with these illnesses for so long that I’m essentially comfortable in them and I’m a little scared of how life would be if I miraculously found the right cocktail or treatment. If anyone can offer their perspective of life after antidepressants, I would greatly appreciate it.