⚠️TW Suicide⚠️

I 26 (f) am getting to the point of life where I’m feeling like giving up. I’m a black woman who works in law-enforcement. I work inside of a jail and it is a job that has taken a toll on me mentally to an extent of me wanting to harm myself in an irreversible way. (along with other past traumas) 

I’ve gotten to the point where I internalize every little thing that happens to me to the point where I don’t want to exist anymore. The suicide prevention program that my therapist put me in called me the other day because I was having a mental breakdown. I feel so pathetic and ashamed for the way I feel about myself and about my life. A lot of people would be grateful for the position that I’m in. The selfishness that I feel while being depressed is unreal. 

I applied for a position at my job not necessarily a higher position. I was actually gonna be doing a lot more the same pay not a promotion just a different position just something to make me feel less stuck. I didn’t get it. I wasn’t good enough for them. On paper I possess exactly all of the qualifications to make the position of the job and I was still turned down by someone with fairer skin. Who’s been at the job less time than me and who doesn’t have all the required qualifications. 

One being possessing a firearm license, I decided to give up my firearm today due to having excessive thoughts of using it for irreversible damage to myself. I thought I could hold onto it. I thought this job would change me and make me feel different about it. I thought that I was going to get the position and I did not.

hyper fixation meal of the week coconut jasmine rice w/ beef sausage with trolli peach rings for dessert.  

gotta work twice as hard to get half as much