Do I break up with my partner of 9 years

Our relationship started off so amazing and strong, every morning I would have good morning beautiful texts, cute dates and made to feel like a literal queen. Around 2 years in I start seeing a change in mood and behaviour always stressed or snappy and in a bad mood although I was always ask what’s wrong he would insist it’s nothing and even blamed me for asking what was wrong all the time. These outbursts because more violent and he started pinching holes in walls ect. Throughout this time he lived in my property and didn’t contribute to bills at all for like the first 5 years of our relationship which Initially I didn’t mind because he had just started his career and was making next to nothing for the first year but after that it was excuse after excuse and very clingy with money.

Through out this period he stopped any sexual part of out relationship and before that he was borderline obsessed with me. It have me severe self esteem issues to the point I was convinced he was cheating. This behaviour carried on for a good 2 years I don’t know why I didn’t walk away then but he has an incredible art for making you feel sorry for him. Fast forward we found out we were pregnant and we’re so happy about it everyone was for us because even tho we had a few instances the behaviour wasn’t that bad then and he had a lot of mental health issues going on at that time and my friends and family adored him. A few months later I had an awful miscarriage which was extremely traumatic for us both. I was loosing consciousness and bleeding out and he had to push down on my cervix really hard to stop me from bleeding out. It was very scary and I believe we both had ptsd from this. During this tike I spent months in bed depressed we also had other issues going on with our deranged neighbours who were borderline stalking us and making our lives a misery. He left me alone the entire time and carried on as normal so socialising and chilling with friends when I was at my lowest. All I needed and wanted was for him to be with me and hug and hold me but i never got that.

Shortly after we found out we were pregnant again and we were elated. I hope that this would put everything behind us and be a fresh start. At this time we started renovating a house which was costing us every penny we had and meant that I was alone with our oldest child whilst pregnant and I literally did not see him. He was in work and then straight up to the house to work, so we did not see each other for around two years properly, which meant I basically raised our baby alone. I understood that he had to get that done at the same time he could not offer even one day or an afternoon to spend time with his family but still made time to see his friends. He would never have money every day he would say he had a no-show at Work and he would take it out on me and say do you know how hard it is to go to work and earn nothing? He would say this regularly when we would argue about money because I was funding everything at this time. Shortly after my daughter was born, he had a wedding that he wanted me to go to because he was best man which I didn’t wanna go to because first of all I just had a baby six weeks ago which meant I had to leave her with Family that I didn’t want to do and she was a very clingy and colicky baby which meant that I knew she was gonna be distressed the time we were gone I agreed to go to the wedding anyway to support him and make him look good basically and shortly after arriving to the wedding he and his friends obviously started celebrating and I ended up in a hotel room on my own the entire night he told me he was gonna come back around three at five in the morning. I’m still waiting and he’s just not even giving me a second thought he’s just brought me there and left me on my own the entire time when I could’ve been at home with my baby and he could’ve gone alone and got coked up and had a great time without me and I wouldn’t of cared.

He was also supposed to get the snip after our second child, but he chickened out with the last minute a few months later we got caught pregnant again. I was devastated because I was already struggling so much being on my own with the kids as it was. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant. I started to put 22 together and knew that there was something he was hiding. It wasn’t until I gave him an ultimatum that he finally admitted he had a gambling addiction and he’d spent all the money that we had for our house. He’d spent all the money his mermaid gifted him for our house and other family members had gifted him for our house. He even stole my own Personal emergency cash out of my wardrobe. I ended things immediately and we spend a few months apart. When we finally met up again and agreed to give things another shot with strict boundaries such as I’ve been in charge of his bank and he needed to be transported with how much money he earned a day et cetera and he promised me he would no longer be moody because that was the alleged reason for him being so moody and horrible all the time.

Times passing by I’m getting closer to my due date we’re still doing the house. I’m still on my own. I’m still hardly ever seen him and things just aren’t improving and I’m begging him to go to therapy so we can try and work through this which he didn’t wanna do initially and then you know months go by after another ultimatum he finally agrees to do it but by this point I’ve almost like given up hope. Every time I suggest something to try and fix our relationship he doesn’t want to until months later when he’s close to being broken up with again. This cycle has happened repeatedly.

After the gambling came out, I was promised the things were definitely changed now because he’s got no reason to be moody. He’s got no reason to be measurable. The things obviously still haven’t changed and now I’m just sat here nine years later thinking I’ve just wasted a third of my life given everything to this man putting my career on hold for this man having all the Child responsibilities on me all the sleepless night so he could go to work not tired and all this stuff and now he know has started to be better like he does cook and he does clean and he does help out with the kids but it’s just a foul mood and the atmosphere and the way he speaks to people. I’m raising three daughters, I don’t want them growing up thinking it’s acceptable for a man to speak to you and treat you the way you do. lately things have got so bad if I say anything that isn’t basically a praise to him he sees everything as a Personal attack and any time I try and come to him about my feelings or an issue it always gets diverted and turned back into what I’ve done or I haven’t done and he goes around telling people like my dad and his friends and his mum like trying to get the word in 1st to tell everyone like a situation that happened and he totally twisted the truth on what’s happening really minimises what he’s done in the situation and extremely magnifies what I’ve done and blows what I’ve done out of proportion. For example, a few months ago we were smashing up my kitchen even though we’ve just renovated this house we’ve got no money to fix things. We’ve got no money to even finish while we started and he’s going around smashing up the house and I grew up in a violent atmosphere as a child and it really triggered me so I grabbed him by the throat to stop him from smashing my stuff and that’s all I’ve heard since and that’s all he’s told people since that I strangled him I’ve assaulted him and all this stuff and every time we argue he brings up the fact that he was hit before by previous partner and he always promised himself he would never stay with someone who did that to him and all this stuff. He will usually disappear for a few days up to a week and then come back in extreme ask kissing mode begging doing everything running me by lighting me candles buying me flowers just trying to do everything you come to you know worm is way back in which I’ve been too mentally drained through all the stuff I’ve been put through for the last few years to even fight back or have the energy to be alone and like do this by myself but lately I’ve picked myself back up and got the strength to walk away but at the same time I’m feeling guilty because I know he loves his kids and I know he does love me. I know he’s not a bad person deep down but he just keeps doing these things and speak to me like a literal piece of shit and squaring up to me threatening to knock me out it’s just not acceptable but I don’t wanna walk away. I don’t wanna break up our family. I don’t want my kids to not have their dad home but at the same time I just don’t think it’s worth it anymore, and I just don’t know what to do. i’m also living in his friends house so I feel almost like I have no option but to stay because where else am I gonna go with three kids and no Job? I have no physical support from anyone at all I haven’t had a break in years you know when he goes out with his friends he can go out and then stay out the whole next day being hung over at their house but when I go out with my friends, I’ve gotta be picked up at 11:30 or he drops the kids to be passive aggressively at like 7 o’clock in the morning when we’re obviously hung over!