Found out the reason for our infertility and I don’t know how to feel

For the last 2 years we decided to try for a baby but we’ve been kind of halfhearted about it. We are OLD (I’m 39 and he’s 44) and happy with our childfree life and honestly never wanted children until after we got old. So like fencesitters but we like kids.

But after years of course you start to get curious. We have good insurance so my husband had a semen analysis done.

It was not good. We were shocked. I don’t know why we didn’t expect it at all but it’s been very confusing.

When we got the answers I wanted to be relieved because the decision was made for us, but there’s also a large part of me yelling for us to do IUI.

I am very confused about what I want my life to look like. We just bought a teardrop camper that will not fit a child. We have purposefully not made room in our lives for a child because we were not sure if it was going to happen. We are starting to have what I call “old people behaviors”. Just kind of settling into middle age. The pace of our lives is slowing. If we had a baby it would be more like grandparents raising a grandchild than a normal parent-child relationship.

I am happy day to day with my life. Maybe the happiest I’ve ever been.

But then there’s a part of me screaming to DO SOMETHING! Get to the fertility clinic! Walk in tomorrow and beg for help! And I don’t know why that part is so anxious.

Idk. The results don’t feel devastating and my husband is taking it well, but it’s just all very confusing.