It's been 5mos since making this acct. Re-cap of what brought me here.

Lets just start with I AM FREE! Physically, financially, I am free if his hold! And oh Gosh it feels amazing and so scary at the same time.

I made this acct while I was still in the same household as him, but then it dawned on me, What if I got found out? -But now I am here, still afraid, but ready to try to shed off this bothersome feeling, these emotions that I swore I was rid of, emotions that are eating at me the moment I get 'enough time' alone. Sh!t sucks! I will be using this acct to just freely express myself, if someone gets help from my stories, that is a huge bonus, cause DV is nothing short of a dangerous road to hell- and some don't ever come back.

[Preface]

My story goes back a LONG time ago. I'll be listing off events in my lifetime that I feel has absolutely shaped me, how I enter relationships, how I carry myself now, who I've become.

• Product of Incest
• Home to Home from the age of 1yrs
• Witnessed things a child should not see
• Deprived of food, light, a bed mattress as a punishment
• Exposed to adult-rated things at a young age
• Molested for the 1st time at the age of 7, maybe 6.
• Witnessed my father being abusive to my stepmother - getting arrested
• Lived in & out of foster care (through my own family)
• Molestation continued for several years on & off
• Apparently went into a deep depression & tried to off myself with a kitchen knife, my aunt said she wanted to help me & pressed in deeper, but ofcourse she was only trying "to scare me".
• Cousins took advantage, manipulated.
• Uncles took advantage
• Started dr!nking & Smok!ng at 15yrs.
• Forced into therapy for w33d - Learned to manipulate the help.
• This part- It's a Blur - then Skip to 17-18yrs old
• Graduated, Tried college, 3 months from graduation, my family caused me to drop out.
• Met a Demon for the 1st time (Intro to verbal abuse)
• Met the Devil in real life for the 1st time (Intro to Physical Abuse)
• This Part- Another Blur - Life blew past me - had kids - was trying to figure myself out.
• Shelter - Halfway house - own apartment - met a drug user [didn't know at the time]
• Got away - went about life - normal struggles - own house.
• Met the Devil for the 2nd time, lived with him for 3.5yrs - and now I am here.

Somewhat alone - left to figure out what went wrong, what happened, why? No matter what I do , I always come back to the same feelings. I really want to do therapy, but speaking to others ,a stranger, doesn't make me feel like I am doing a service to myself. I don't know if it makes any sense but I don't want to be seen. I don't want to have to face anyone, I read too much into expressions, I end up having panic attacks, feeling cornered... I just can't do it no matter how much I want to , so this is going to be my therapy. I am absolutely fked in the brain - although from the outside looking in - I have my sh!t together, kids are happy and healthy.

I have a lot to filter through before I can feel like I am me... Whoever ME is.

If you have made it this far, I hope you join me on my journey. I have so much to tell. Welcome to my life, my troubles, my journey and the path to Clarity.