i still want him back. what do i do?

I loved this guy, 19M, that I, 20F, knew, deep in his heart, loved me too.

I know we are pretty young, but we thought practically of how we would fit into each other’s lives because we are both very deeply “date to marry” people.

In the beginning, I can even say we were both pretty secure. I knew his own traumas because we were friends first, and I think when we got together, he came to a point where he had more or less healed from them, or at least had a resilient view toward them. We aligned in a lot of our mindsets, and I was very careful about making sure of that.

However, as his family problems became worse again, our whole relationship dynamic changed. I saw very clearly (even in my deep denial about it) that he started loving me like I was a chore—which is certainly how he shows love to his family too.

I tried to start conversations, trying to understand how he sees love. Before, he answered: love is commitment, love is God-given and followed, love is something you want and choose. Now, he described it as sacrifice, doing things he may not want to do for the sake of someone else, and something along the lines of pushing through.

In my mind, I knew that view of love would break him, and I wanted to express that to him. But suddenly, any conversation would go south before I could even comprehend it. We couldn’t communicate like before. Before, it was easy, like we both knew it was for our betterment and always out of love. Now it felt like we were trying to dance around each other and not poke a nerve.

It made us pull back in times we needed conversation. We’d try to understand, yes, but never truly FEEL like things were actually resolved. He’d have bouts of apathy (even go as far as saying heartlessness), but he still tried to push through. He’d tell me he did not have enough to give to me when his family was this way, and that he would message me when he could.

I would try to give him gentleness and understanding because that’s what he told me he needed, and I tried my best to deliver. But I felt in my heart that it was unfair because I desperately missed how we were before, and I started getting anxious attachment tendencies that, you guessed it, ultimately clashed with his.

But even amidst all of the clashes, we still knew we loved each other, and when we were together on dates, it felt like we’d remember that. We could have conversations easily and breathe through them. But then it’d somehow fall apart again and again, and we’d always end up back in areas of tension, bounce back to seeking out each other’s affection and love, and repeat the cycle.

I can see he tried to conquer how he felt about me in a way. He tried to be there for me when I needed him, told me he loved me, but I felt how lifeless and hard it was for him to give because it wasn’t coming from a place of him WANTING to love me, but rather feeling like he must.

I was lost and thought I just needed more of his presence and reassurance, so I asked and asked for more when he already had so little to give. What he needed was space to breathe, to know I loved him, and that I would be a steady presence.

I genuinely cannot escape the fact that in the beginning, he was able to genuinely step up for me, and he felt true sadness whenever I was in pain. But now, even at my most distressed, he couldn’t find it in himself to care like he used to. Even though I saw him truly trying, it ultimately felt lackluster and ingenuine.

But I also feel extreme guilt in how I held him. I understand this behavior of his became worse because he was triggered by his family; it genuinely became worse. I feel strongly that it should have been my turn to step up, since he did for me when I struggled and needed him. Instead, I became another person he needed to please and satisfy.

I know we both failed each other in our own regards, and that it wasn’t the work of one person, but I also know I was being selfish by adding onto the expectations he was already carrying so heavily.

I remember him expressing that he felt like he wasn’t allowed to fail or falter for anyone, and I realized that was his way of saying he needed me to be the person who’d hold him and still love him and be okay with him if he ever did. He’s only human. I wish he knew that more deeply.

I keep scrolling through videos about avoidants, and I resonate deeply with everything that pops up, but I can’t help but think that if I had stepped up, we could have been a team despite our struggles.

Now, he let me go because he felt we were too different, and that he couldn’t give me the love I deserved. He broke up abruptly after I expressed how worried I felt about us, and his apathy and my emotions clashed until we reached each other’s limit. Then he told me he couldn’t be with me anymore and that he does not know if he’s suited for love.

It’s been a week since we broke up. He reached out to me two days after the end, saying he’s deeply sorry for how he ended things and that he wants to have a proper conversation where we meet so we can say everything we couldn’t say and end things properly.

Yet I cannot shake the feeling that if we tried again, with fewer expectations and more gentleness and understanding, we could be something good.

I just want to be there for him because I feel like when he needed someone most, I was too caught up in my fear of losing him to truly see what he needed from me. I feel like it should have been my turn to give him the love he needed and deserved.

Is that selfish? Can I still try to make things work? Better yet, would he allow me?

I know with how avoidant he is, he can feel more comfortable letting things fester instead of truly resolving them. I saw it in our conversations. He felt more comfortable leaving everything we built together behind than trying to get through it.

I know deep in my heart that if he felt he had the capacity to, we could have fixed things.

Is it wrong to want so badly for him to be able to walk through all the struggle of accepting my love? Am I demanding things I shouldn’t expect of him again? I know we still care for each other. Why do I still feel so much hope?