Rambling about apathy

Welp. First things first, English isn't my main language, so this text probably will contain some mistakes. I didn't find a schizoid subreddit in my language, only the translated version of the posts, so I'm here.

I used the +18 flair because I talk about suicidal thoughts too.

I'm also someone not with a diagnosis, but my psychiatrist, after finding that remedies and group therapy won't help in anything, placed me into the ICD F60, the one with personality disorders. Me, my psychiatrist and my psychologist, agreed on the idea about it being closer to the Schizoid disorder, but I still need a full diagnosis of it.

The F60 includes a lot of things, but the closest I'm to is Schizoid: I don't have any kind of interest in social norms; I'm indifferent to people; my sexual desires are low, if not dead for most of the month and the same applies to other things; I'm moved by interesting things, but as soon as they become uninteresting, I lose any kind of will on sticking with them — it is pretty easy to get bored or apathetic about life in general, and while I do have ambitions, for most of the time just thinking and planning about them is enough to satiate my dopamine needs. I'm not antisocial, more on the asocial spectrum, I know pretty well how to talk with people and a lot of folks had a one sided relationship with me — one where they saw me as their friend bcs I'm a helpful and charismatic person while I simply didn't care at all. I'm also someone that doesn't fear people or avoid them out of fear, it really is more on the idea that I'm indifferent to them and their dramas or hypes can easily get me annoyed or bored.

Anyway, I think that describes me well and also is something that aligns me with the book description of a schizoid. Also, if it helps about some clues of my personality, altough it doesn't describes it entirely, I'm an INTP-A and 9w1 on Myer Briggs and Enneagrams.

Because of how easy it is for something to become uninteresting and not having that much desire on succeeding with things, I guess I hit that one spot where I become apathetic again. I don't have any interest right now and I'm listening to the same song for hours — Lucky Seven by Chris Squire. This kind of felling already happened before during stressful, peaceful or even the weirdest times of my life. And mind you, I'm 22yo, I didn't got the most exotic life and I'm still new compared to other adults, but I already have my share of stories.

I think that I may have become a Schizoid person based on the fact that I already had a less social personality since as a child and on the fact that my life was about changes. I don't care about routines and none of the professionals I talked with agreed on something like autism, I always did well with moving houses, moving from schools, doing new jobs, getting into new things and etc. Actually, there is more novelty on the "new" than the old for me and to this day I still am someone that creates more than delves into the worlds she created, altough playing the same thing over and over again because of boredom instead of actively searching for new things is also a way that I can spend my days, even months, on. Anyway, the whole idea of "life is passenger, things change, yada yada" is ingrained into me; it isn't a fear of losing people or anything like that, more that I'm used to discarding things, people and ideas when their hype expire, and things do expire easily for me.

I don't see my current situation as something bad at all. I only wanted to talk because I'm — saying it again — bored and searching for something to make my brain hooked on. When I hit this state of mind I even think about living on the streets, abandoning everything so I can just have my time to do nothing but fantasize about my stories and etc. Actually, the only reason I even tried killing myself in the past is because I don't get much brain reward for living at all and having the vision of all days as the same contribute on killing any will to leave.

Maybe that isn't pretty schizoid, dunno, but well, that's my rant and rambling.