I find it very hard to like anyone. I have a lot of friends, but I don’t really like them.

I want to start off by saying that I don’t consider myself a manipulative or bad person. I’m a pretty happy guy, and I don’t mean for this to come across as cold or edgy. I’m not like that at all, but I struggle to like others genuinely. I love talking to people, and I love the idea of having friends. I’ve never struggled to make friends because I’m so outgoing. It’s just that if I fall out with my friends, I don’t care. I care if they disrespect me or try to harm my image of course, I have emotion, but I don’t care about the loss of the person. I feel distracted when I try to talk to people by the fact that I’m going to leave one day or that I wouldn’t cry if they died. I don’t want to be like that because I really love the idea of close friendships I see in films. Like I want a ride or die. Someone who truly gets me. I liked someone in the past but they were borderline (BPD) and it was… HORRIBLE. No hate to all borderlines. It just was bad for my mental health because of the way they acted and tried to constantly leave, accuse me of leaving, etc. I don’t know if it messed my brain up. I struggled before that to like anyone though. This person started to get help but what they had put me through had made them nothing to me. I date multiple people and fuck around with others because I crave a bond but I know I’ll leave them. I can’t be with them because I live a double life in a way, I mean I lie to them about little things. It sucks. I feel lonely. Am I falling for propaganda about what friendship is and overthinking and shooting myself in the foot? I really don’t think I’m autistic, before anyone brings that up. I have no social struggles. I like autistic people though, and they describe similar things. But they also have other experiences I don’t understand. I disproportionately do enjoy to talk to them though. I think it’s because they’re weird, and they know it, but they’re honest, so I can be weird around them and trust them and have them trust me? I don’t want to hurt people. I know I’m being dishonest. I don’t really feel upset with myself but I feel left out which is negative. I want everyone to give me attention and the second I get a spike in attention I feel so happy and integrated with society but when it falls off I guess I get used to that sudden spike? And I become very angry. I use people for money as well but this isn’t dishonest. I say I want money and they give me it. I have some people who give me a lot of attention and praise and that is why I use them for money, but that sounds worse than it is. I don’t know. I just want to get this off my chest but I can’t tell anyone. I wish I had friends. I think it’s that nobody shares my interests. I don’t know.