How do I enjoy sex?

This is going to be a long one. I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest. For some background about myself, I’m 19 and I have never once prior to the last 2 months desired to have sex with, romance, or even really interact with anyone. 2 notable events changed this:
1 - I got a crush for the first time. On a straight guy who was doing a semester exchange at my uni. I ended up confessing to him over the phone (though I initially tried to do so in person) for reasons to do with the second event.
2 - my father passed away. It wasn’t a surprise but it still gave me an immense fear of leaving things unsaid, and of people disappearing from my life.

So I confessed to the guy, he told me he didn’t want to be friends anymore bc it was uncomfortable, all very expected.

So then I spent maybe 3 weeks in an fugue state and when I exited I was desperate for someone to reciprocate in any capacity, this led to my first time having sex, with a guy who I was in no way attracted to. It wasn’t bad sex I guess? I had to finish with my hand and i was mostly bored and zoning out most of the time but it wasn’t terrible I think. Afterwards I sat in a park for a while and the next couple of days I felt pretty sick whenever I thought about it.

My second sexual encounter was a spur of the moment decision to get blown by some old guy, my thinking was “one experience is hardly a conclusive sample!” I wasn’t attracted to the old man and it wasn’t a very good blowjob. I threw up several times for the next few days.

My third encounter was with someone who was (finally) my age, dl bisexual guy who was kinda my type! I told him over text that I’d never bottomed before and he said it was cool and that he’d go slow. I got there and we got right to it, he hardly talked and it smelled like he hadn’t really washed which was unpleasant but whatever. He flipped me over and when I asked if he had lube or a condom he said “spit works just fine for me”… okay… he tried putting it in but it hurt like hell so we stopped. He barely talked and it was pretty boring all the same.

Since the first encounter until now I’ve been talking to various guys on apps and trying to find guys at clubs or in my uni or at bars or anywhere but no one other than old men is interested in me (I don’t even think I’m particularly unattractive, but all the guys my age want muscles not smart beautiful twinks with creativity and spirit, though I like muscles too…). The one guy who I DID find ghosted me bc his aunt died the same day we were supposed to have a date.

Anyways everything about sex seems so boring, is the answer to just get hotter? Find love? Stop caring? Are these feelings a normal reaction? A glance at my post history will tell you I have lots of questions and I haven’t even made a dent. I’ve always been interested by people with a more standard relationship with love and sex but did you all really feel this way?? I’m always impressed by how much of life people are able to put up with until luck pulls them out of the trench.