Sitting on my couch with a blood clot

Just need somewhere to write. I’ve had five years of endo symptoms that have impacted my nerves eventually including my sciatic and tibial nerves. I’ve had several crisis nerve flares including the first one in Amsterdam where I ended up on the floor of the Van Gogh museum screaming in agony and having an uncontrollable bowel movement.

For those five years most doctors told me it’s my electrolytes or I was having foot cramps. An ER doctor told me “feet swell sometimes when we walk for a long time.” I just had my second surgery about 20 weeks ago and was recovering doing PT but experiencing nerve recalibration symptoms that weren’t fun. Then all the sudden I started to get worse. I saw a podiatrist thinking I might have tarsal tunnel because why was a severe flare happening in my foot even after the endo and cysts were removed. I had to be super pushy and show up to my local urgent care several times until they finally gave me an ultrasound to rule out DVT. Turns out the estrogen in my birth control pill and surgery combined to make a small provoked clot.

Now I’ve been living on my couch. Experiencing nerve pain. I finally have a doctor who set me up a nerve study at the end of this month and referrals to specialists like pain management. What I’m saying is that five years of doctors not understanding endometriosis has put me here. Where I feel like I am disabled and can’t even walk without my nerve getting inflamed. I have crushing sensations and weird painful zaps in the back of my calf and toes. I really wish doctors had known to get me off of estrogen when I had surgery. That they understood estrogen feeds adhesions and tissues and inflammation.

The only thing comforting me right now is at least I told off the doctors in Amsterdam that laughed at me and my mother. Called us stupid women and dumb tourists. The ambulance came to the museum and the two men were making fun of me. One of them stabbed a needle into my arm so hard and carelessly I bled. When me and my mom got to the hospital most of the staff were standing around laughing and whispering. The nurses threw towels at us and said to clean me up. Me and my mom would later both get a sickness from having to clean up my shit all over me. It brings me joy that the man who stabbed the needle in my arm thought he could get away with being so cruel but then I looked him in the eye and said “I am a human being. How dare you treat me this way.” He said “I’m sorry you feel that I’ve treated you in some way.” I said back, “No. I don’t feel. I know. You are being cruel and I want someone else to take care of me.” Then the second man tried to reach out and help me up. I slapped his hand away and said “Do not fucking touch me again.” Then I walked out to the main room and flipped everyone off.

That gives me joy. Because I need some joy today. I’m feeling rather hopeless and tired. lol