I’m in love with my bestfriend, I can’t tell if she likes me back, and I think I’m too late for it to matter anyway

I (Pete, 27M) am in love with my best friend (Charlotte, 27F). We both live on the East Coast of Canada, she moved out of province for a few years, and now she lives in the same town as me again. We met about 6 years ago and I had moved onto one of her father’s properties about 5 years ago (she currently lives with her parents and sister a few blocks away from me)

Theres 6 years of history in our friendship and if people would like me to dive into it more extensively I will, but for now I’m going to focus on the last year and a bit.

I have been very close with Charlottes family since I’ve moved onto her father’s property, always invited for family dinners, watching playoff hockey at the house, helping out with projects; and she’s grown very close to mine. Every summer she comes up to the family cottage, she texts my mom quite a bit, and always makes sure to come see my older brothers newest baby boy when he visits home.

She moved out of our province a few years back to complete school and try a new life, and she was actually dating a really close buddy of mine for a bit during that time. Although their relationship didn’t end up working out, they’re both still a part of our friend group.

Since she’s come back home we have gotten really close. We bought a boat together, hang out all the time, have fires by the lake, she’s the first person I want to tell when I have news to share, and she is easily my best friend in the world. Charlotte is beautiful, down to earth, rational, hilarious, everything a man could want in a partner. She was the first person to notice when I lost a bunch of weight and consistently makes sure I’m doing okay mentally. She’s my rock, and I’m a coward that won’t tell her that I’ve been in love with her since the beginning of last summer. We drunkenly slow danced to a Luke Combs song at one of our lake fires and I haven’t looked at her the same since. Her friendship to me is something I’m not willing to risk losing if I confess and make our relationship awkward.

Here’s the thing; she knows I’m romantically illiterate and has told me she knows that I can’t read a room when other girls have “given me hints” that they’re hitting on me. She knows hints don’t work on me and a woman would literally have to ask to kiss me to let me know that she’s interested. So why does it feel like every time she brushes my arm, sits on my lap, rubs my back it feels more than what it used to be? Am i reading too much into this? Am I romanticizing something that’s strictly platonic?

Here’s a short list of things she’s done that makes me think the feelings might be mutual

- asked me if I noticed anything different about her lips (after a small amount of collagen)
- got flustered when I told her “not to be cute with it” when I was calling her out on some funny bs
- links arms with me if we’re walking
- catch her staring at me in group settings, not as much when we’re alone
- told me “if you ever get a girlfriend she is going to HATE me”
- she’s gotten distant the few times I have had flings in the past. I haven’t been in a proper relationship in many years but if she finds out I’ve been hanging out with a girl not in our friend group (even not in a romantic way) she’ll dodge my texts until she knows it’s over then we’re back to hanging a lot

Unfortunately, I think I blew my chance anyways because she’s moving to Toronto (about 6 hours away from me) and she’s not coming back. She got a new job there which I am incredibly proud of her for, and she is ecstatic to move there. The only reason she’s not there right now is because she promised the club she coaches for that she’d finish off the season before she moves. While that means that gives me more time with her before the move, she’s going to have an incredibly busy summer before she moves and I also don’t want to put any extra stress on her plate with a dumb crush that I just can’t get rid of.

I’ve decided not to tell her for the sake of our friendship, my sanity if it goes wrong, and leaving her as stress free as I can. I guess it wouldn’t matter anyways, I don’t have the means to move to Toronto. I absolutely would if I could, but unfortunately for reasons I can’t disclose here, I can’t.

I hate being in love but not knowing if it’s reciprocated.