I (25F) am terrified of losing moments with my 8 month old due to divorce

Hi, very new here but looking for any life experiences you may have with the situation I have found myself in. I (25F) have been married to my husband (27M) for 3 years, together for 6. We have a 8 month daughter who is my entire world. Things have been rocky for a couple years, but separation was just a fleeting thought never spoken out loud. Since having my daughter things have went downhill, and I find myself thinking about separation daily.

I brought it up with him a few weeks ago with a hard no as an answer from him, and him saying he wanted to fix things. A little context, there is nothing big that happened, it has been an accumulation of all the small things like constantly cleaning up after him, telling him the same exact things over and over, never going on dates, dead bedroom, etc. there have been a few things that made me shut off completely emotionally.

Long story short my first Mother’s Day was ruined. He went shopping for a “gift” the night before. I use gift in parentheses because he got me two gift cards. The day of we did things HE wanted to do, being hanging out at his brothers house for an annual Mother’s Day get together. I don’t get along with that side of his family because they’ve never made an effort to know me. They made food that I won’t even eat for dinner, and we were there for about 3-4 hours. By the time we got home the day was over and I didn’t do anything I wanted to do at all.

The other instance was just today, on our 3 year wedding anniversary. I gave him his gift last night, and he looked right at me and said he didn’t get me anything. At all. No card, no flowers, nothing. He told me this morning that my gift was he was taking me to dinner and was going to ask my mom to watch our daughter. I told him I don’t want to do that, that I barely get to spend time with her as is. (We both work full time) he then got mad that I “ruined his plans” and that I can’t spend one night away from her. I told him that going on a dinner date is in fact not a gift, and just a normal thing couples do.

Fast forward to this evening he says he’s getting off early and we are going to go to dinner 30 minutes away, and we will take our daughter. He ended up not getting home until later than planned and I told him that we don’t have time now since her bedtime is 7. He didn’t listen to me of course and we drove all the way to dinner, just for the wait to be too long and us have to go home while she is screaming because she’s tired. This became a huge argument because he was mad at the situation and the fact that I wasn’t MORE upset. I told him I’m not upset because I told you exactly this was going to happen. And we have not spoke since we got home.

I’ve been told countless times by my best friends that this isn’t worth it, but I am TERRIFIED of losing any time at all with my daughter. Even thinking about her being away for one night makes me sick to my stomach. Him and I agreed that the logical thinking would be he gets her every other weekend (that’s all his work schedule allows). But even that makes me want to crawl in a ball and cry. I want full custody, and I don’t think there’s anyway I could get it. I keep saying I would rather be in a miserable marriage than lose any time with her. I know a lot of people stay in their marriage because they are worried about how it will affect the children, but I myself am a child of divorce and know she would be fine. It’s not about that for me, it’s the missing of moments. The not being able to have a say in what happens when I’m not there. The possibility of missing her first steps, her first experiences, that shatter me.

I would love to hear from those who have had similar fears, and how you coped with them. Or on the flip side, if it’s worth staying in this marriage if it means being with my daughter all the time. This is all I can think about and it’s killing me, any advice would be helpful.