How do I move forward

I’m a 19-year-old living with my parents while trying to figure out my future and pursue fashion design seriously. School has not been going well recently, but my career is very important to me, and I genuinely want to get back on the right track. I also currently work a part-time job.

My relationship with my parents has become very unhealthy over the years, especially with my dad. We fight often, and he has said extremely hurtful things to me, including calling me lazy, fat, a loser, and saying I’m doing nothing with my life. In the past, he has even told me he would drive me somewhere to kill myself.

He also constantly brings up my past mistakes, like losing things or breaking stuff, even when it has nothing to do with the situation. He mentions these things repeatedly whenever guests are over or during arguments, almost like he is keeping score against me. I understand that I have made mistakes before, but it feels like I am never allowed to move on from them.

What affects me the most is how casually he says these things. Sometimes he says the most gut-wrenching and humiliating things with absolutely no remorse, like it means nothing to him. Over time, it has made me feel constantly judged and emotionally unsafe in my own home.

My parents have kicked me out multiple times, but I always end up coming back because I do not really have another stable place to go. There have also been multiple times where I ended up sleeping in my car outside after being kicked out or locked out of the house. Usually, the next day my parents would just let me back in and act like nothing happened, almost like it was some kind of test. That unpredictability has made me feel like my place at home is conditional and can be taken away at any moment depending on their mood or whether I upset them.

My mom often cries or guilt-trips me during conflicts, and I constantly feel emotionally drained at home. They also installed a lock that keeps me locked outside if I come home too late. Because of the tension in the house, I spend most of my time isolated in my room and plan my entire day around avoiding them. I usually wait until they are asleep to leave my room unless I absolutely have to. It has gotten to the point where my sleep schedule is completely messed up, and sometimes I do not fall asleep until 5–7 AM.

I was diagnosed with ADHD last year after finally seeing a psychiatrist, and I am also being screened for autism. Before that, I struggled for a long time without understanding why I had such a hard time focusing, organizing my life, and staying motivated. I am currently not on medication, but getting diagnosed helped me realize that some of my struggles were not simply me being lazy.

There have also been incidents involving vaping, weed, and harder substances, which damaged trust between me and my parents. I understand why that worried them, but I still feel like the way they treat me goes beyond normal discipline or concern.

Another major issue is that my parents do not support my interest in fashion design. They often question whether it is a “real career,” and growing up they mocked the way I expressed myself through clothing and appearance, calling me feminine or gay and acting embarrassed of me around other people. That environment even caused me to question my own sexuality for a period of time.

Right now, I feel stuck between wanting independence and not yet having the financial or emotional stability to fully leave home. I want to build a future for myself in fashion and become successful, but it is difficult to grow in an environment where I constantly feel criticized, controlled, and unsupported.

Part of me feels like I need to fully lock in with school, work, and my creative goals so I can eventually move out and build a life for myself. My dream is to eventually make a living through fashion and selling my own clothing commissions, but right now I feel lost and overwhelmed trying to figure out how to get there.