I just want to feel okay

Honestly I can’t do this shit anymore. I can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t let anyone in without feeling like they’re going to leave me. My boyfriend says it’s all in my head, that I need to get rid of this pattern of thought. And yeah if it were that easy I would. I’m pissed because I can’t feel okay, because no matter what I do, how much I write or talk about my feelings I still end up feeling sad. I’ve had 4 psychologist and none of them have helped, I feel like a failure. The only things in my mind even though I promised I wouldn’t are sh and killing myself purely because I don’t even know why tf I’m alive. Yes my family and boyfriend love me I think but at the end of the day would they even care if I left. Would they even cry? Would they move on within a few months like nothing happened, start a new relationship? I honestly don’t know if this world is better with my whiny sad ass in it.